The Top Ten: Week 2
Commentary: Back in the flow of the 2011 season, there are many familiar names in the fall’s first edition of The Top Ten, including 2010 Regular Season Champion The Beard of Zeus, and West Division Champion Ron Mexico. Both were perfect in Week 1, with Mr. DeBlasis and The Phoenix also putting up flawless numbers. Less than half the leagues is in the positive, with many franchises sinking by betting the Browns, Steelers, or Falcons. For the most part, franchises won or lost $100, and this is a marathon, not a sprint.
A special shoutout to Bayonnaise, who kicked off the 2011 campaign by submitting late bets and then losing $500, for a grand total of -$600. He’s now on pace to finish the season at -$10,200.
(current total; last week’s ranking)
1. The Beard of Zeus ($500; –)
Beardy picked up where he left off at the end of the 2010 regular season at the top of the ranks. Though it was surely questionable to skip the divisional draft, now some are thinking he did it to stack the deck against himself, engaging in some sort of odd head game with the rest of the North.
2. Mr. DeBlasis ($500; –)
DeBlasis always seems to be around the top, especially at the beginning of the season. There’s a reason he wasn’t chosen early in the divisional draft.
3. The Phoenix ($500; –)
An investigation has already begun to see who placed the Phoenix’s bets this week and how he/she uncharacteristically actually won $500. More on this story as it develops.
4. Ron Mexico ($500; –)
Ron’s back up on the top of the division in the West, but his roommate is nipping at his heels.
5. Bud Fox ($300; –)
Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Bud ignored the heckles from the other inmates and was only an Arizona Cardinals push from being perfect for the week. My money was that he’d squeal on his first night in the joint.
6. Gordan Bombay ($400; –)
It’s been a few years since Bombay has performed like the Gordon of old. Another year in the division with his bunk buddy Ron Mexico has rekindled his winning ways.
7. Larisa Oleynik ($100; –)
Not making a statement in Week 1, but not falling too far behind. In the weeds waiting to pounce…..At least Larisa is 1-for-1 in emailing picks to the correct address in 2011.
8. Karl Farbman ($100; –)
Farbman trails The Phoenix (not a misprint. The Phoenix is leading his division) and looks to get back on track in Week 2.
9. Will Cover ($100; –)
One of the stories that flew under the radar by the national media covering the FMFL last season was Will’s respectable, albeit disappointing season. He was a few bounces of the ball away from the playoffs and shouldn’t be counted out after getting one season of Funny Money under his belt.
10. Kiko Garcia ($100; –)
Kiko made a strong push at the end of the season and in the playoffs. If he stays within striking distance for the first few weeks of the season and then surges, it could be Kiko’s year.
Others receiving votes: Blossom Russo; Rick Moranis; Yaz; Boss Hardigan
Dropped out: None
Week 2 Standings
East
| The Phoenix | $500 |
| Karl Farbman | $100 |
| Teddy KGB | -$100 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | -$100 |
| The People’s Champ | -$200 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$300 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$500 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | $500 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $500 |
| Kiko Garcia | $100 |
| Larisa Oleynik | $100 |
| Yaz | $100 |
| Babe | -$500 |
| T-Ferg | -$500 |
South
| Boss Hardigan | $100 |
| Will Cover | $100 |
| Rick Moranis | $100 |
| Mr. Marbles | -$100 |
| Slovy Maximus | -$100 |
| Don Mattingly | -$300 |
| Bayonnaise | -$600 |
West
| Ron Mexico | $500 |
| Gordon Bombay | $400 |
| Bud Fox | $300 |
| Blossom Russo | $100 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$100 |
| Face | -$200 |
| Art Schlichter | -$300 |
Week 1 Picks
Week 1 Lines
Note: Bets have to be placed by Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
Week 1 Standings
East
| Karl Farbman | $0 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | $0 |
| Teddy KGB | $0 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | $0 |
| The People’s Champ | $0 |
| The Phoenix | $0 |
| The 21th Precinct | $0 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | $0 |
| Babe | $0 |
| Kiko Garcia | $0 |
| Larisa Oleynik | $0 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $0 |
| T-Ferg | $0 |
| Yaz | $0 |
South
| Mr. Marbles | $0 |
| Bayonnaise | $0 |
| Boss Hardigan | $0 |
| Don Mattingly | $0 |
| Rick Moranis | $0 |
| Slovy Maximus | $0 |
| Will Cover | $0 |
West
| Ron Mexico | $0 |
| Art Schlichter | $0 |
| Blossom Russo | $0 |
| Bud Fox | $0 |
| Face | $0 |
| Gordon Bombay | $0 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | $0 |
The 2011 FMFL Preview by Rick Moranis
Because your Labor Day wouldn’t be the same without it, here is the 2011 Funny Money Football League season divisional preview brought to you by Rick Moranis, otherwise known as Rick’s Picks ™. Guaranteed to be worth every penny of -$3,300.00 :
A quick hello and farewell before we begin. Hi, Bud Fox, and welcome. You now have another reason to watch the fourth quarter of that late Rams game rather than writing that scathing Jackson Steinem tell-all you’ve been swearing to get to all these years. So long, Kenny Powers, you’ll be missed. Enjoy shedding some pounds on Sundays for a change in your nice new K-Swiss.
We’ll start with the East, which has two beasts and a lot of leasts. The People’s Champ and Karl Farbman took home the first two FMFL titles, but since then each have gone down separate paths at the proverbial fork in the road. While Farbman has seemingly gotten better (some would also say handsomer) with age, posting a career $4,800 in earnings, The Champ recently has been playin’ The Chump, hemorrhaging fake cash at rates that would make the A.B.T. proud to be not as bad. But this is the year I think he reverses course and hangs with Karl until the end. Maybe. Speaking of the A.B.T. …
…I just don’t see it. Not until he invents a new scientific method will he ever hang with the big boys. Consult the wasps, Notorious, they’ve never steered you wrong. As for the rest, look for the 21th Precinct to ride the dark horse in this division. A man with a 3rd place playoff finish on his belt and an obscure “th” tacked onto a “1” are surely sings of a man who knows his numbers. Meanwhile, we’ll all be waiting for Teddy KGB’s annual and perfunctory quick ascent up standings at the start season followed by his mighty crash and burn. The only question is what week this year will the frosting fall on the wrong side of the Oreo for Teddy – Week 8 or Week 9? Kimmy Gibbler made the playoffs once, back in 2008, a year when men were still men and her reruns still aired, but those days are long gone. Hopefully two straight seasons spent deep in the red will light a fire under Kimmy. And as for fires, they say the mythical Phoenix gloriously rises out of the ashes. Still waiting, guy.
The North looks to be the ringer this year. This veritable collection of heavyweights was assembled by default when The Beard of Zeus neglected to show up at the divisional draft. It’s really hard to blame The Beard as he was just married and now no doubt has the joys and foibles of newlywed life to attend to, but, will these delights end up being his downfall this year? Whatever happens, he truly does have a magnificent beard that can make grown men weep. Babe was once one gyro away from winning a regular season title ultimately (shockingly) taken by Yours Truly. Not one mull over anything not powered by an Xbox, he charged back into the playoffs last year, but once again settled for a playoff sixth. A leaner and more streamlined Babe is now looking for some postseason zest to match his regular season hunger. Larisa Oleynik, that lovely two-headed medusa, returns as the defending 2010 FMFL Champion and has her stone-cold gaze on a dynasty in the making. With a career $3,000 in the bank she could do it, but to do so she’ll have to go through the other big dog in this group, champ from 2009 and old man river Yaz. His is a career that has now successfully spanned four decades and it is said that with age comes greater wisdom and insight. Unfortunately, so does dementia, so Yaz best take his ginko this season if he hopes to fend off the other young whippersnappers in this group, such as T-Ferg, Senor DeBlasis and Kiko Garcia (albeit I’m told Kiko is a bit older and can hit softballs farther than his two peers). Each of these spry gentlemen have gained valuable playoff experience already in their careers, so don’t be surprised if either of these three wind up holding the division’s torch high up amongst the Northern Lights at season’s end.
So who assembled the next group of clowns together in this year’s circus know as the South? It was Mr. Marbles, the returning division champion. Marbles is perhaps the most successful FMFL franchise never to take the big playoff prize, finishing 2nd in 2008 and obtaining $5,500 career fictional dollars along the way. Perhaps as a consolation prize to himself Marbles has chosen a crew to compete against that offers him the best bet at returning to the Land of Almost. And what a collection it is – not one other franchise in this sad sack of a division has career earnings in the positive, combining to “win” a grand total of -$9,700 funny dollars. ¡Ay, caramba!
At least there is high comedy potential in the 2011 South and you know this is true when the next best franchise equipped to challenge for first place is none other than Bayonnaise. When he lived on the East Coast, Bayonnaise remembered to place timely bets with the same frequency he remembered to take out his contacts before bed – low. But ever since moving West, he’s been on a tear, reaching the playoffs for the first time in 2010. Problem is, he’s betting in the South now, and egg-based products spoil easily in the hot Southern sun. We also have two classic foe pairs here, the first pitting the wannabe rich Boss Hardigan and Slovy Maximus brothers against each other. Slovy did manage to make it to even zero last year (yay!) while the Boss picked his way to a 4th playoff finish, so there is hope. But hope can get you killed. The other pair aiming to kill each other off is Don Mattingly and Rick Moranis. Donnie and I’s hot and cold rivalry goes back many years, back to the times when he sported a bowl cut and I a well-groomed side part. Although Don may have $-3,000 to my tidy -$3,300, it is I Rick that holds the one playoff berth between us. Stellar. It must be noted, however, that in Don’s favor this year is the official addition of his silent partner to the Mattingly masthead, who I hope will plead with the original Don to lay off on the Chiefs wagers. And then there is Will Cover, a man who debuted last year with an honest -$200. In this group Will, that’s usually good for 2nd place! God bless you.
Last, but not least, although maybe least, is the West. The entire American West was at one point property of New Spain, the precursor to today’s Mexico, so I suppose it is appropriate that Ron Mexico returns as West champion. One year, one title for Ron. Nice. But you’ve got company, you rich pseudonym for a pseudonym you. A former division winner in Gordon “Don’t Call Me Gordan” Bombay lurks as does titan-in-waiting Art Schlichter. Both had uncharacteristically poor wagering seasons in 2010 and would love nothing more than to win a betting league division title. It would mean the world to these guys, seriously. Face entered 2010 amid trumpets and fanfare, but then let the fans down with a -$3,300. Face needs step it up or “face” the music this year. Blossom Russo nearly won the whole thing in 2007 and for the first three years acquitted herself very well, but apparently spent all of 2010 hanging out with Chris B. Corey. I think she’s learned her lesson and will compete again. Bud Fox, hello again. I ain’t know you, but you can’t be any worse than me (see Stats: Moranis, Rick), so have fun. Lastly, there is Waldo Geralo Faldo, a three-named schizophrenic wagering bandit who word has it will be watching the majority of these games lying on his couch with a bowl of candy on his chest. He’s won big in the past and also lost heavy, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens. If he chooses Milk Duds this year, watch out. If he goes with Smarties, you are all probably safe.
So there you have it. If you didn’t agree with these forecasts, remember that I have a career 0.486 winning percentage. If I picked you to do well, I’m sorry as I’ll probably be seeing you at the bottom. It’s not so bad. I bid you good day, and to borrow form the Executive Director, who somebody somewhere loves, good luck.
Regards,
Rick
2011 Vegas Odds
The following are the official 2011 Vegas Odds for the Funny Money Football Championship, as posted by the Tangiers Casino in Las Vegas. The odds are based on past performance, gambling history, and general hygiene.
Odds to Win: Funny Money Football Championship
| Art Schlichter | 11 to 1 |
| Babe | 8 to 1 |
| Bayonnaise | 50 to 1 |
| Blossom Russo | 26 to 1 |
| Boss Hardigan | 22 to 1 |
| Bud Fox | 100 to 1 |
| Don Mattingly | 170 to 1 |
| Face | 40 to 1 |
| Gordon Bombay | 19 to 1 |
| Karl Farbman | 12 to 1 |
| Kiko Garcia | 10 to 1 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | 50 to 1 |
| Larisa Oleynik | 5 to 1 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | 10 to 1 |
| Mr. Marbles | 12 to 1 |
| Rick Moranis | 1,000 to 1 |
| Ron Mexico | 300 to 1 |
| Slovy Maximus | 40 to 1 |
| Teddy KGB | 75 to 1 |
| T-Ferg | 9 to 1 |
| The 21th Precinct | 45 to 1 |
| The Beard of Zeus | 30 to 1 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | 600 to 1 |
| The People’s Champ | 30 to 1 |
| The Phoenix | 500 to 1 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | 25 to 1 |
| Will Cover | 30 to 1 |
| Yaz | 10 to 1 |
TSR’s 2011 Fantasy Funny Money Preview
By: Don Mattingly aka The Talented Senor Roto
It’s that time of year again. Time to dust off the old cowboy hat, gorge yourself on the Talented Senorita Roto’s famous guac, sit around the table, and draft your Fantasy Funny Money teams. This is where the Talented Senor Roto comes in to help. Now typically, I would start this column by going on a seven paragraph diatribe about some sexy, obscure actress, throwing in a bunch of horn-tooting jokes about my college years (quantity over quality…am I right? Or am I right?), and then relating it all back to DeSean Jackson, but it appears as though the Talented Funny Money Website Editor Roto is giving me the signal to get right to the chase…and thus…
When breaking down the Funny Money Fantasy prospects, it’s important to look at things by division since the division race typically can alter a player’s betting habits and, therefore, affect their fantasy value.
EAST DIVISION
STUD: KARL FARBMAN – In a fairly mediocre division, you don’t have to go too far to find the cream of the crop. He’ll easily outperform his ADP.
BUST: THE 21TH PRECINCT – Out of all teams with career winnings, 21th rolls in with the lowest winning percentage (.485). That doesn’t bode well in my draft rankings.
SLEEPER: THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP – People will see the career loss of $1,000, but what they fail to see is a career 90 wins and a .538 winning percentage. Sneakily grab him in the second or third round of your draft and he’ll pay instant dividends.
SUPER SLEEPER (HIGH RISK/HIGH REWARD): THE NOTORIOUS A.B.T. – Watch out for third year players. Sometimes it takes that long to learn the system.
NORTH DIVISION
STUD: MR. DEBLASIS – He flies a little lower under the radar, especially in this division, but 95 career wins makes him a must have in my book. He’s currently going in the early second round in most mock drafts, but to me he’s first round talent.
BUST: THE BEARD OF ZEUS – HATE HATE HATE…TSR is drinking the Hateorade on The Beard. The Beard broke two of TSR’s three key rules to life – don’t get married before the age of thirty and never…never…NEVER AUTODRAFT!!! The other, obviously being, never get less than 10 hours sleep.
As a great man once said, “I will attack you with the North” and I love the North division as a whole, but like I said, division strength adversely affects fantasy value. Every team in this division is a solid fantasy pick, and like my old adage, don’t pay for saves, you can get great value from these teams in the 5th maybe 6th rounds of your draft!
SOUTH DIVISION
STUD: MR. MARBLES – Head and shoulders above anyone else in this division. His career winnings are $5,500. Next best in his division is a whopping -$200. Pick him number one overall on draft day and feel confident you won’t be walking on Marbles!
BUST: RICK MORANIS – In a division this pathetic, how do you even pick a bust? As Dave Grohl once said while sitting at CVP, “it’s times like these” where you just have to find a perennial bust, and in that case, look no further than Rick. Don’t let that big year a couple seasons ago fool you. Much like the Foo Fighters themselves, this clown is an absolute bust!
SLEEPER: BAYONNAISE – For a team with negative dollar signs, he has a sneaky good career winning percentage (.519) and amount of career wins (81). If a few field goals went his way in the past, he may be sitting near the top of the leader board.
SUPER SLEEPER (HIGH RISK/HIGH REWARD): DON MATTINGLY – If you’re reading into the hype, you may as well take a late draft flier on Donnie this season. The well documented management change has vowed to never pick the Chiefs again, which should help his wallet, but be warned: Titans picks may be on the rise.
WEST DIVISION
STUD: GORDON BOMBAY – Every preseason Gord’s Gold gets lambasted with the BUST moniker and every season Gord takes it in stride and just keeps winning. His 99 career wins is tops all time, not to mention a meaty $4,600 in the bank. I wouldn’t take him first overall, but if he’s around near the end of the first round of your draft, you’d be a fool not to take him.
BUST: RON MEXICO – FMFL has a history of one and done rookie phenoms. In TSR’s opinion, let’s add Ron to the list.
SLEEPER: ART SCHLICHTER – THIRD YEAR PLAYERS…THIRD YEAR PLAYERS…THIRD YEAR PLAYERS! He’s on the brink and TSR thinks this is the year he puts it all together!
There you have it. As my doctor once told me, “Hindsight is 20/20, my friend.” So don’t come knocking on my door if these picks are terrible.
Don Mattingly – The Talented Senor Roto – is the creator of the site FunnyMoneyFantasies.org where he can be humiliated and stalked at will.
Follow Don on Twitter: @FantasyMustache
Divisional Draft Chat Wrap
The following is a summary of the divisional draft chat room:
The Executive Director: Hello Marbles
Mr. Marbles: where’s that beard
The Executive Director: alright – we’re going without the Beard
The Executive Director: he can have the leftovers
The Executive Director: The order is as follows: Karl Farbman, Mr. Marbles, Ron Mexico
The Executive Director: then back in the reverse the next round
The Executive Director: Karl Farbman – you’re up
Karl Farbman: With the first pick, I take a man who needs no introduction: The Phoenix
The Executive Director: Marbles, your pick
Mr. Marbles: that was a given 4 months ago
Mr. Marbles: Don Mattingly…tag team is not back again
The Executive Director: got it
Mr. Marbles: chill brah
The Executive Director: Ron with two picks
Mexico: Well, I honestly don’t know the real name of any person in this league besides the guy who pays me to be his friend
Mexico: so I pick the absolute worse from last year, Face and Blossom Russo
Mr. Marbles: haha blossom is not going to be happy about this
The Executive Director: Nice – Marbles, you’re up
Mr. Marbles: Rick Moranis…he’s short, he’s stocky, he wants to be a jockey
The Executive Director: Great pick
The Executive Director: Karl with two picks in a row
Karl Farbman: I’ll take the always terrible Notorious A.B.T.
Karl Farbman: and The 21th Precinct
The Executive Director: Marbles back to you
Mr. Marbles: Slovy Maximus…he is turrible….last of my bottom 5 cellars
The Executive Director: slovy is off the board – Ron to you for two picks
Mexico: Gordon Bombay
Mexico: cause I know I can beat him
Mr. Marbles: Bombay rides or dies by the Patriots
Mexico: it’s the Jets now actually
Mexico: well dependin on if he wants to get some or not
Mexico: I pick Waldo
Mexico: Geraldo
Mexico: Faldo
The Executive Director: never trust a man with three names
The Executive Director: back to you Marbles
Mr. Marbles: Boss Hardigan…let’s bring those brothers together
The Executive Director: Karl for two picks
Karl Farbman: I’ll take one guy who always falters down the stretch
Karl Farbman: Teddy KGB
Karl Farbman: And one who has always let me down
Karl Farbman: Kimmy Gibbler
The Executive Director: nice – Marbles?
Mr. Marbles: the newlywed who I already beat once this year…at pre-cana…in the soon-to-be wed game
Mr. Marbles: Will Cover
The Executive Director: Getting personal
The Executive Director: Ron for two
Mexico: shoot I was going to pick People’s Champ but I guess the kitchen got too hot for him
Mexico: I’ll take the rookie, Bud Fox
Mexico: and Art Schlichter
The Executive Director: marbles?
Mr. Marbles: 2010 was clearly a fluke, so I’ll take mr. 1918 himself
Mr. Marbles: Bayonaisse
The Executive Director: marbles takes bayonnaise
Mr. Marbles: yeah however you spell it, the kid bathes in it
The Executive Director: karl?
Karl Farbman: i’ll take, with my last selection – the people’s champ
The Executive Director: So the beard of zeus by default gets:
The Executive Director: kiko garcia, mr deblasis, t-ferg, babe, yaz, and larisa oleynik
Mr. Marbles: best of luck to you zeus…you’re f-ed
Mexico: ha shoot
The Executive Director: thanks for participating everyone
2011 Divisional Draft Results
Here are the results of the 2011 FMFL Divisional Draft, which took place on August 30, 2011, with the Executive Director presiding. The Beard of Zeus chose to abstain from the proceedings.
East Division
Karl Farbman*
Kimmy Gibbler
Teddy KGB
The Notorious A.B.T.
The People’s Champ
The Phoenix
The 21th Precinct
North Division
The Beard of Zeus*
Babe
Kiko Garcia
Larisa Oleynik
Mr. DeBlasis
T-Ferg
Yaz
South Division
Mr. Marbles*
Bayonnaise
Boss Hardigan
Don Mattingly
Rick Moranis
Slovy Maximus
Will Cover
West Division
Ron Mexico*
Art Schlichter
Blossom Russo
Bud Fox
Face
Gordon Bombay
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
*defending division champion
