The 2011 FMFL Preview by Rick Moranis
Because your Labor Day wouldn’t be the same without it, here is the 2011 Funny Money Football League season divisional preview brought to you by Rick Moranis, otherwise known as Rick’s Picks ™. Guaranteed to be worth every penny of -$3,300.00 :
A quick hello and farewell before we begin. Hi, Bud Fox, and welcome. You now have another reason to watch the fourth quarter of that late Rams game rather than writing that scathing Jackson Steinem tell-all you’ve been swearing to get to all these years. So long, Kenny Powers, you’ll be missed. Enjoy shedding some pounds on Sundays for a change in your nice new K-Swiss.
We’ll start with the East, which has two beasts and a lot of leasts. The People’s Champ and Karl Farbman took home the first two FMFL titles, but since then each have gone down separate paths at the proverbial fork in the road. While Farbman has seemingly gotten better (some would also say handsomer) with age, posting a career $4,800 in earnings, The Champ recently has been playin’ The Chump, hemorrhaging fake cash at rates that would make the A.B.T. proud to be not as bad. But this is the year I think he reverses course and hangs with Karl until the end. Maybe. Speaking of the A.B.T. …
…I just don’t see it. Not until he invents a new scientific method will he ever hang with the big boys. Consult the wasps, Notorious, they’ve never steered you wrong. As for the rest, look for the 21th Precinct to ride the dark horse in this division. A man with a 3rd place playoff finish on his belt and an obscure “th” tacked onto a “1” are surely sings of a man who knows his numbers. Meanwhile, we’ll all be waiting for Teddy KGB’s annual and perfunctory quick ascent up standings at the start season followed by his mighty crash and burn. The only question is what week this year will the frosting fall on the wrong side of the Oreo for Teddy – Week 8 or Week 9? Kimmy Gibbler made the playoffs once, back in 2008, a year when men were still men and her reruns still aired, but those days are long gone. Hopefully two straight seasons spent deep in the red will light a fire under Kimmy. And as for fires, they say the mythical Phoenix gloriously rises out of the ashes. Still waiting, guy.
The North looks to be the ringer this year. This veritable collection of heavyweights was assembled by default when The Beard of Zeus neglected to show up at the divisional draft. It’s really hard to blame The Beard as he was just married and now no doubt has the joys and foibles of newlywed life to attend to, but, will these delights end up being his downfall this year? Whatever happens, he truly does have a magnificent beard that can make grown men weep. Babe was once one gyro away from winning a regular season title ultimately (shockingly) taken by Yours Truly. Not one mull over anything not powered by an Xbox, he charged back into the playoffs last year, but once again settled for a playoff sixth. A leaner and more streamlined Babe is now looking for some postseason zest to match his regular season hunger. Larisa Oleynik, that lovely two-headed medusa, returns as the defending 2010 FMFL Champion and has her stone-cold gaze on a dynasty in the making. With a career $3,000 in the bank she could do it, but to do so she’ll have to go through the other big dog in this group, champ from 2009 and old man river Yaz. His is a career that has now successfully spanned four decades and it is said that with age comes greater wisdom and insight. Unfortunately, so does dementia, so Yaz best take his ginko this season if he hopes to fend off the other young whippersnappers in this group, such as T-Ferg, Senor DeBlasis and Kiko Garcia (albeit I’m told Kiko is a bit older and can hit softballs farther than his two peers). Each of these spry gentlemen have gained valuable playoff experience already in their careers, so don’t be surprised if either of these three wind up holding the division’s torch high up amongst the Northern Lights at season’s end.
So who assembled the next group of clowns together in this year’s circus know as the South? It was Mr. Marbles, the returning division champion. Marbles is perhaps the most successful FMFL franchise never to take the big playoff prize, finishing 2nd in 2008 and obtaining $5,500 career fictional dollars along the way. Perhaps as a consolation prize to himself Marbles has chosen a crew to compete against that offers him the best bet at returning to the Land of Almost. And what a collection it is – not one other franchise in this sad sack of a division has career earnings in the positive, combining to “win” a grand total of -$9,700 funny dollars. ¡Ay, caramba!
At least there is high comedy potential in the 2011 South and you know this is true when the next best franchise equipped to challenge for first place is none other than Bayonnaise. When he lived on the East Coast, Bayonnaise remembered to place timely bets with the same frequency he remembered to take out his contacts before bed – low. But ever since moving West, he’s been on a tear, reaching the playoffs for the first time in 2010. Problem is, he’s betting in the South now, and egg-based products spoil easily in the hot Southern sun. We also have two classic foe pairs here, the first pitting the wannabe rich Boss Hardigan and Slovy Maximus brothers against each other. Slovy did manage to make it to even zero last year (yay!) while the Boss picked his way to a 4th playoff finish, so there is hope. But hope can get you killed. The other pair aiming to kill each other off is Don Mattingly and Rick Moranis. Donnie and I’s hot and cold rivalry goes back many years, back to the times when he sported a bowl cut and I a well-groomed side part. Although Don may have $-3,000 to my tidy -$3,300, it is I Rick that holds the one playoff berth between us. Stellar. It must be noted, however, that in Don’s favor this year is the official addition of his silent partner to the Mattingly masthead, who I hope will plead with the original Don to lay off on the Chiefs wagers. And then there is Will Cover, a man who debuted last year with an honest -$200. In this group Will, that’s usually good for 2nd place! God bless you.
Last, but not least, although maybe least, is the West. The entire American West was at one point property of New Spain, the precursor to today’s Mexico, so I suppose it is appropriate that Ron Mexico returns as West champion. One year, one title for Ron. Nice. But you’ve got company, you rich pseudonym for a pseudonym you. A former division winner in Gordon “Don’t Call Me Gordan” Bombay lurks as does titan-in-waiting Art Schlichter. Both had uncharacteristically poor wagering seasons in 2010 and would love nothing more than to win a betting league division title. It would mean the world to these guys, seriously. Face entered 2010 amid trumpets and fanfare, but then let the fans down with a -$3,300. Face needs step it up or “face” the music this year. Blossom Russo nearly won the whole thing in 2007 and for the first three years acquitted herself very well, but apparently spent all of 2010 hanging out with Chris B. Corey. I think she’s learned her lesson and will compete again. Bud Fox, hello again. I ain’t know you, but you can’t be any worse than me (see Stats: Moranis, Rick), so have fun. Lastly, there is Waldo Geralo Faldo, a three-named schizophrenic wagering bandit who word has it will be watching the majority of these games lying on his couch with a bowl of candy on his chest. He’s won big in the past and also lost heavy, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens. If he chooses Milk Duds this year, watch out. If he goes with Smarties, you are all probably safe.
So there you have it. If you didn’t agree with these forecasts, remember that I have a career 0.486 winning percentage. If I picked you to do well, I’m sorry as I’ll probably be seeing you at the bottom. It’s not so bad. I bid you good day, and to borrow form the Executive Director, who somebody somewhere loves, good luck.
Regards,
Rick
