As I See It: Mr. DeBlasis
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week, some have called our guest writer “The Most Intriguing Man in Funny Money.” That’s right, it’s Mr. DeBlasis. MD, take it away….
“Oh, but I see. Now it’s clear” – Alan Watts, philosopher
With six weeks in the books, the once young NFL season is starting to take shape. Teams are growing out of their preconceived expectations into their true identity. Certainly some are developing faster than others. However I think it’s easy to identify where all teams are in the NFL lifecycle. Here’s how I see it:
The “Hit-their-growth-spurt-early” Division
We all know the type. All the other kids are hanging around that 4ft-range. That is, everyone except that one freaky 7yr old who stands at a lanky 5’6″. You know, the one who can’t read but could dunk on an 9ft hoop. These teams came out the gate fast and you thought, “Wow, this team could win some games this year!” in the same way a proud father thinks his 7yr is a surefire No 1 NBA draft prospect. Unfortunately the answer is “No, they won’t”. Everyone will catch-up to them both in height and ability. Do not be fooled by these teams. Division Winner: Chicago Bears. Rest of Division: Kansas City Chiefs, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
The “Bearded 7yr old” Division
These are the teams wise beyond their years and know how to take care of their business. They may be a bit hardheaded, classic been-around-the-block type. As easily the most mature of the group, the understand the process because they invented the process. No one is or should ever be surprised to see them atop the heap. They walk up to school both ways, would prefer to play without helmets and survive on a strictly meat diet – human meat. Ok, they aren’t Chuck Norris, but they will still kick your ass. Division Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers. Rest of Division: Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, New England Patriots, Miami Dolphins, NY Jets
The “Benjamin Button Disease” Division
Ahh, we all remember the Benjamin Button’s of our youth. Even as young children, they already seemed so accomplished, so seasoned and wise. You thought they’d seen it all and could conquer any challenge. Problem is that you are putting confidence in a person who is literally becoming less and less capable by the day. The teams in this division may once have resembled Brad Pitt. However, by the end of the season, they will literally be a screaming baby with no where to look but up to the teams that have passed them by. Division Winner: Dallas Cowboys. Rest of Division: New Orleans Saints, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings
The “7yr old in Diapers” Division
Growing up, there was always the one 3rd grader whose pants were just a little too bunchy. Always smelled a little suspect and made those awkward faces as he squatted in the corner of the art room. Newsflash, he was dropping the Cosby kids in a hammock. This just proves that because you look fully developed, you will never be as good as everyone else unless you lose the Huggies. You’re not fooling anyone. Division Winner (tie): San Francisco 49ers & San Diego Chargers
The “Hermaphrodite” or “It’s PAT” Division
We have all been there, quietly whispering to a friend, “Is that a man or a woman? I mean from this angle it looks like a man. But whoa, from this angle I swear it’s a chick!” The truth is with some people, you really don’t know unless you get under the hood. And I personally would not volunteer for that task. The confusion is further compounded when they have names like Sam or Jamie or, well, Pat. This division is made up of teams that leave you scratching your heads each week with a “Well wait, last week they were a total Nancy but now…” We may never know, nor do we want to. Division Winner: NY Giants Rest of Division: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons, Tennessee Titans, Washington Redskins
The “Still Nursing” Division
With these kids, you literally have to pry the tit out of their mouth. Crippled by fear of growing-up and actually act their age, these children become the doormat of their age bracket. “No, you cannot bring your blankie to the 3rd grade.” Sucking thumbs and hugging their mother’s leg, these kids will be bullied and picked on by everyone until they get their act together. Chronic bedwetting and bad dreams are also characteristic of these perpetual losers. Division Winner: Buffalo Bills Rest of Division: Cleveland Browns, Carolina Panthers, Arizona Cardinals
The “Little-Big-Man Complex” Division
Well what do we have here. A bunch of little piss-ants that just won’t go away. They are small, undersized for their age but man are they feisty. No one expects the 4ft kid to bully the bigger, faster kids. However, they always manage to sneak up on one or two. Watch out for these kids to be giving more promising kids swirlies and titty twisters before all is said and done. And forget about being able to do anything about it. They have to compensate for their height somehow. It just so happens it will be at your expense. Division Winner: Seattle Seahawks Rest of Division: St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders
The “Participation Trophy” Division
“You did well kid, not good enough, but I mean you showed up every week. Except for a few weeks when you didn’t show up, but I mean, your parents did pay that sign-up fee. I guess we owe you something. Here is a trophy that says you were a member of the team. But unless you want to be bullied by other actual competitors, I would highly recommend not displaying this anywhere. Oh, and by the way, the fact that your jersey looks as crisp and new as the day you got it should not be worn as a badge of honor. Save yourself some embarrassment later and go play around in the mud or roll down a grassy hill.” ‘Nuff said. Division Winner: Jacksonville Jaguars Rest of Division: Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals
Week 7 Lines
Reminder: Bets have to be in Saturday night by midnight in order to be considered on time.
The Top Ten: Week 7
Commentary: Before going into the commentary, a few programming updates. We are two weeks away from the highly anticipated MIDSEASON REPORT. As we approach the second half, remember that all Thursday night games (except for Thanksgiving) will be off the board. Also, remember that NINE total teams make the playoffs. The four division winners, and the top five overall franchises that are non-division winners (wild card teams). Winning percentage is the tiebreaker. Once the second half of the season starts, the wild card standings will be at the bottom of the weekly standings sheet. Now on with the show.
In Week 6, two franchises hit on their wild card bets, but not in a huge way, as they both had trouble stringing bets together. The division winners stayed where they were, except for in the South where The People’s Champ took over. Ron Mexico increased his lead and could look to distance himself in Week 7. So far, 6 franchises have placed their wild card bet. 22 franchises still have it on the shelf.
(current total; last week’s ranking)
1. Ron Mexico ($600, 1)
A new mainstay at the top of the rankings? Ron went 1-0-1 this week and increased his overall lead and lead in the West.
2. Karl Farbman ($200, 3)
K-Farb eked out $100, but stays atop the East.
3. The People’s Champ ($200, 4)
The Champ also only won $100 this week, but due to the rest of his division faltering, takes the lead in the South. It seems as though the cream is beginning to rise to the top.
4. The Beard of Zeus ($200, 6)
Nice week of picks by the Beard. He was only an Indy push away from a perfect week. His lead is now $400 in the North.
5. Gordon Bombay ($0, NR)
And just like that, in one single week, Bombay is back in the mix. $500 won on two games. He made it look easy.
6. Mr. DeBlasis (-$100, 8 )
DeBlasis is hanging around and might be onto something by betting lots of games in this topsy-turvy season. His overall record is 10-7-2, which is a winning percentage of 0.579, which leads the league.
7. Face (-$200, 9)
Face clawed his way to a small gain this week. If he could get hot this week, the division lead is in his sights.
8. Boss Hardigan (-$100, NR)
A solid week by Boss Hardigan has him within shouting distance of Ron Mexico.
9. Teddy KGB (-$200, 2)
What goes up, must come down. After two perfect weeks, Teddy loses $500. He’s a few weeks early on his annual November swoon.
10. Slovy Maximus (-$200, NR)
Slovy won his wild card, but only gained $400 overall for the week. Still, he’s right in the playoff hunt.
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: Yaz; Mr. Marbles; Kenny Powers; Will Cover
DROPPED OUT: The Notorious A.B.T.; Kenny Powers; Art Schlichter
Week 7 Standings
East
| Karl Farbman | $200 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | -$100 |
| Kenny Powers | -$300 |
| Larisa Oleynik | -$600 |
| Bayonnaise | -$800 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$1,000 |
| The Phoenix | -$1,100 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | $200 |
| Face | -$200 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$500 |
| Kiko Garica | -$500 |
| Babe | -$600 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$800 |
| T-Ferg | -$900 |
South
| The People’s Champ | $200 |
| Teddy KGB | -$200 |
| Mr. Marbles | -$300 |
| Yaz | -$300 |
| Will Cover | -$600 |
| Art Schlichter | -$800 |
| Blossom Russo | -$2,100 |
West
| Ron Mexico | $600 |
| Gordon Bombay | $0 |
| Boss Hardigan | -$100 |
| Slovy Maximus | -$200 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | -$400 |
| Rick Moranis | -$1,400 |
| Don Mattingly | -$1,600 |
Overall Leader
| Ron Mexico | $600 |
| The People’s Champ | $200 |
| The Beard of Zeus | $200 |
| Karl Farbman | $200 |
| Gordon Bombay | $0 |
Week 6 Picks
As I See It: Karl Farbman
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s we are hearing from an old favorite: Karl Farbman. Karl take it away….
Last week, Don Mattingly’s story about the Chiefs reminded me of something. It’s the story of the greatest gambling moment I have ever been a part of.
In the fall of 2004, I was studying in London for the semester. Even though there was a big time difference, my roommates and I would stay up to watch Sunday and Monday Night Football each week (which started around 1:30am GMT). During the 2004 season, my online gambling account was dormant. I told myself at the beginning of the year that it would be too hard to follow the injuries and the ebb and flow of the season to bet the games week in and week out.
In late October, I got an email from the online site that said something like, “Where have you been? We’ve missed your business. We’d like you to come back, so here is a free $200 in your account.”
Now, it just seemed like a no-brainer to bet games. If I lost the money, no big deal. If I won, I vowed to withdraw it from the account once I returned to the States.
Those next six weeks or so, I was up and down with wins and losses. I was relying on a lot of online research during the week to make my picks, which was still no where near how comprehensive it is today. I spent a couple hours every Thursday in the university computer lab trying to read as much as possible. While I was doing this, my fellow students in the lab were raving about some new internet site called, “Facebook.”
With one week to go in the semester, there was a meaningless December Monday night game on the docket. It was the Chiefs playing against the Titans in Tennessee. Both teams had no chance of making the playoffs, so pride was really all that was on the line. The Chiefs were 1.5 point underdogs. I had a feeling they were going to win big, riding the golden arm of Trent Green. I decided to bet the adjusted line, which made the Chiefs a big favorite, but paid off at 3 to 1. So I put a considerable chunk of my account on Kansas City favored by 7.5.
The game was a shootout with a lot of twists and turns. First the Titans went up by 14 (putting me down by 21.5 early), but the Chiefs came roaring back. In a see-saw battle, the Titans kicked a field goal with 2:26 to go to take a 38-35 lead.
I was sunk. No way I could cover the 7.5 spread. Two minutes to go and I would need two touchdowns to do it.
The Chiefs got the ball back, and Green engineered a magnificent drive down the field, finding Eddie Kennison in the end zone to take a 42-38 lead with 32 seconds to play.
It was an entertaining game, but I was pissed. The Chiefs had played good enough to win, but not to cover the adjusted spread.
The Titans got the ball back and threw a couple of incomplete passes. With about 20 seconds left and some 70 yards to make up, they needed a big play. Billy Volek dropped back to pass and threw a short slant route. The Titans tight end attempted to lateral the ball to a streaking receiver, but the timing was off. The ball was fumbled.
Chiefs defender Kawika Mitchell picked up the ball and ran untouched into the end zone, scoring with 8 seconds left. Chiefs win 49-38.
I was going insane at 4:30 in the morning across the pond. The play happened so quickly that I thought I was delirious and making things up. But then I watched the replay over and over. The impossible had happened. The announcers saw it as a meaningless final score, but to me it was a miraculous finish.
I recently unearthed a video of this game (pay attention to the last 45 seconds or so): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7cb8-BkQBk
Also, the box score of the game in question can be found here: http://espn.go.com/nfl/boxscore?gameId=241213010
It’s the type of story I’ll tell my grandkids.
Week 6 Lines
Reminder: Bets must be in by Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
The Top Ten: Week 6
Commentary: In yet another week where underdogs covered most of the spreads, the FMFL suffered once again. However, two franchises, Ron Mexico and Kimmy Gibbler, were bold enough to bet their respective wild cards. Both won, and Ron is now among the league leaders, and Gibbler might be back in the race in the North. Several teams lost $500 and now there are only three franchises in the positive. One of those is Teddy KGB, who rose from mediocrity with a perfect week and now leads the South.
(current total; last week’s ranking)
1. Ron Mexico ($300, NR)
Ron bellied up to the bar – and got plenty drunk. Won his wild card bet. Won his second bet. $1,000 in the books for the week. Mexico now leads the West and is in a tie for the overall lead.
2. Teddy KGB ($300, 9)
Teddy jumps up to first in the South with a huge $500 week. With five weeks in the books, the lead in the division has changed nearly every week. Teddy is now in the driver’s seat.
3. Karl Farbman ($100, 1)
A terrible week for Farbman. With three losses, he drops $500, but still maintains the lead in the East.
4. The People’s Champ ($100, NR)
The Champ treaded water in Week 5 and rose up in the division due to all of the dogs covering. Time to play that wild card?
5. The Notorious A.B.T. (-$100, 5)
The A.B.T. is behind in the West, and might have to come up with a big week in order to keep pace with Ron Mexico.
6. The Beard of Zeus (-$100, 6)
Much like Karl Farbman, didn’t have a great week, but still holds onto the division lead.
7. Kenny Powers (-$100, 2)
Kenny dropped $500. But he can now blame his new bride.
8. Mr. DeBlasis (-$300, 3)
DeBlasis dropped $500. But he can now blame his hetero-life partner.
9. Face (-$300, 10)
Face is close in the North. He might be the “Teddy KGB” of Week 6 if he can string two bets together.
10. Art Schlichter (-$300, NR)
Art fancies himself a gambling man, but has struggled to this point. He could go into a shell and bet a five-teamer, but my guess is that Art will be the next to bet his wild card.
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: Boss Hardigan; Mr. Marbles; Gordon Bombay
DROPPED OUT: Mr. Marbles; The Phoenix; Yaz
Week 6 Standings
East
| Karl Farbman | $100 |
| Kenny Powers | -$100 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | -$300 |
| The Phoenix | -$600 |
| Bayonnaise | -$900 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$1,100 |
| Larisa Oleynik | -$1,100 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | -$100 |
| Face | -$300 |
| Babe | -$500 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$600 |
| T-Ferg | -$1,100 |
| Kiko Garcia | -$1,100 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$1,200 |
South
| Teddy KGB | $300 |
| The People’s Champ | $100 |
| Art Schlichter | -$300 |
| Mr. Marbles | -$300 |
| Yaz | -$600 |
| Will Cover | -$1,100 |
| Blossom Russo | -$2,000 |
West
| Ron Mexico | $300 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | -$100 |
| Boss Hardigan | -$300 |
| Gordon Bombay | -$500 |
| Slovy Maximus | -$600 |
| Rick Moranis | -$1,400 |
| Don Mattingly | -$1,500 |
Overall Leader
| Teddy KGB | $300 |
| Ron Mexico | $300 |
| The People’s Champ | $100 |
| Karl Farbman | $100 |
| Kenny Powers | -$100 |
Week 5 Picks
