As I See It: Don Mattingly
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s we are scraping the bottom of the barrel – Don Mattingly. Don, take it away….
It was merely three years ago, yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It was October 2007, an unseasonably mild month, in which the Legend of the Chiefs began.
Fall 2007 was an interesting time for me. I entered the autumnal season after a bizarre August and September that left me not much different than Bill Murray at the beginning of Stripes. I spent my days constantly wearing a bandana as a headband, surfing Career Builder, and listening to hour-long Phish songs. When I wasn’t serving Half and Half’s to Gary Thorne at the James Joyce, my nights were spent carousing around town, pathetically spending my last pennies on the trivia machine at Rafters.
Unlike any other time in my life, I had neither the time nor motivation to sit in front of my computer for hours on end researching box scores and fantasy stats (Ironically enough, I DID have time to play about 20 seasons of Baseball Mogul in which Jim Thome won 15 MVP awards including one well talked about season in which he blasted 80 homers and drove in 200 runs!). I couldn’t even tell you a single player from my pathetic 2007 fantasy football team. Needless to say, I definitely didn’t have the interest to try and sort through weekly NFL lines and pick teams for this so-called up and coming Funny Money league which I had just joined a month before (I confess. I had Antonio Gates). Then, one night, it all changed…
As legend has it, I had bet late for about three consecutive weeks, but one Saturday night at approximately 11:56 PM, I remembered I had to place my bets, so I blindly texted the Executive Director (at this time, we could still use this archaic method) my two favorite teams… $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs. The pick was in. I had no idea who they were playing, what the spread was, or if they were even playing at all that week, but the deed was done. The Giants, at the time, were middling in mediocrity, Coughlin’s job on the line, while the Chiefs were off to a surprisingly good start. What was I thinking with these picks? I was already in dead last. Could it get any worse? What happened next was a mythical rollercoaster ride the likes that had not been seen since the great Johnny Appleseed.
As was customary of this period, we all met at Don’t Know the next day. Wouldn’t you know…the Giants registered double digit sacks on Sunday Night Football, while the Chiefs smashed the Chargers. The following week came around, and I rolled the dice again… $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs. Covers again! Was I on to something here? Little did we know at the time that this was going to be the Giants’ Super Bowl season and they were sneakily good at covering, while it only took some garbage time screen from Trent Green to Larry Johnson when the opposition was playing Kutler’s prevent D for them to cover their enormously large spreads. The ride continued throughout October…$300 Giants/$200 Chiefs…spawning a new handshake, Don’t Know Rumplemintz sales through the roof, and even, at its apex, me being thrown into the side of a Mercedes on Light Street.
But alas, as quickly as the meteoric rise of $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs had taken place, the fall was just as abrupt. By the end of October, gone was the time fighting corporate. I was back in the cubicle, back in the khakis, back to pretending to work on some random spreadsheet, back to 15 minute Dead jams, and back to tirelessly obsessing over fantasy sports. Gone was the freewheeling $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs; in was the conservative $200 Indy/$200 Pats/$100 Titans picks, and gone were any hopes I had at trying to be good at Funny Money.
So, here we are – 3 years later. The Giants are middling in mediocrity; Tom Coughlin’s job is on the line, but they did just have a double digit sack game on Sunday Night Football. The Chiefs are off to a surprisingly good start. I am dead last in Funny Money. I’m putting the league on notice. This Sunday, I’ll be the guy enjoying chicken salad, on rye, untoasted …with a cup of tea!
Week 5 Lines
Reminder: Bets must be in by Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
The Top Ten: Week 5
Commentary: As we pass the quarter pole for the 2010 season, one thing’s for sure – nothing is for sure. The FMFL loaded up on Indianapolis and paid the price when they lost outright. Among the collateral damage was Blossom Russo, who dropped his Wild Card on the Colts and lost $1,000 for the week. Missing this week was Waldo Geraldo Faldo, who even Carl Winslow couldn’t track down. No bets for Waldo, -$600 for the week. Four weeks in and only four franchises are in the positive. Two have $0. That leaves 22 in the negative. The good news is that some teams still have plenty of time to recover. But others are slipping away fast…
(current total; last week’s ranking)
1. Karl Farbman ($600, 4)
Farbman cashes in and has a perfect week to take the lead in the East and overall. But the league’s elite are nipping at his heels….
2. Kenny Powers ($400, 6)
Kenny Powers strikes again! Two perfect weeks in a row and just an eyelash behind Farbman, Kenny is not messing around in 2010.
3. Mr. DeBlasis ($200, 3)
Another East division team, DeBlasis won $100 and stayed positive, staying in the top three of the Top Ten.
4. Mr. Marbles ($200, 1)
Though he lost the overall lead and dropped $500 in Week 4, Marbles still leads the South. More importantly, he now holds a $1,700 lead over frienemy Blossom Russo.
5. The Notorious A.B.T. ($0, NR)
Just keeping his head above water, the A.B.T. skirted around all of the big losses this week and is first in the West.
6. The Beard of Zeus ($0, NR)
The Beard is alive and well. After a perfect week, he sits atop the lackluster North at even money. This could be a great opportunity to break away from the pack.
7. The Phoenix (-$100, 10)
Just a $100 week for the Phoenix, but he’s still in the mix. When the Phoenix bets, 60% of the time, he wins every time.
8. Yaz (-$100, 2)
This was the week Yaz could have taken over his division. Instead, he lost $500 and slipped down towards the bottom of the Top Ten.
9. Teddy KGB (-$200, 8 )
Teddy is hanging around and is within striking distance of the South lead.
10. Face (-$200, NR)
The ups and downs of Face’s season continue – he has a big $500 week that puts him just $200 out of the lead in the North.
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: The People’s Champ; Art Schlichter; Boss Hardigan
DROPPED OUT: Babe; Ron Mexico; Boss Hardigan
Week 5 Standings
East
| Karl Farbman | $600 |
| Kenny Powers | $400 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $200 |
| The Phoenix | -$100 |
| Larisa Oleynik | -$600 |
| Bayonnaise | -$800 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$800 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | $0 |
| Face | -$200 |
| Babe | -$400 |
| T-Ferg | -$1,000 |
| Kiko Garcia | -$1,000 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$1,200 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$1,700 |
South
| Mr. Marbles | $200 |
| Yaz | -$100 |
| Teddy KGB | -$200 |
| The People’s Champ | -$200 |
| Art Schlichter | -$400 |
| Will Cover | -$1,000 |
| Blossom Russo | -$1,500 |
West
| The Notorious A.B.T. | $0 |
| Boss Hardigan | -$200 |
| Slovy Maximus | -$500 |
| Gordon Bombay | -$600 |
| Ron Mexico | -$700 |
| Rick Moranis | -$900 |
| Don Mattingly | -$1,600 |
Overall Leader
| Karl Farbman | $600 |
| Kenny Powers | $400 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $200 |
| Mr. Marbles | $200 |
| The Beard of Zeus | $0 |
Week 4 Picks
As I See It: Art Schlichter
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s columnist is the gambling aficionado Art Schlichter. Art, take it away….
As an avid watcher of many games of NFL football each week, I am in a perpetual state of shock at the game management tactics and strategies employed by head coaches. It’s almost as if coaches have no idea of the score at any point in the game.
The very first game of the season provides a great example. Trailing 14.5-14 at home to Minnesota, New Orleans took possession and began to march down the field for the winning field goal. With first-and-10 at the Minnesota 46 and 1:49 remaining, coach Sean Payton ordered Drew Brees to take a knee and kill the clock, dooming the Saints to defeat when they needed only a few more yards to attempt the winning kick. You have to wonder what Payton was doing in that situation.
The following week, Payton was again the goat as he kicked a field goal with 2 seconds left while trailing 26.5-22 in San Francisco. Any kid who plays Madden will tell you that’s the dumbest possible coaching move! The Saints lost 26.5-25 to drop to 0-2. To close observers of the NFL, this is no surprise after New Orleans’s disappointing 8-8 finish last season; Sean Payton needs to win some games if he expects to keep his job.
In Buffalo in Week 1, first-year Bills coach Chan Gailey showed the hometown fans that he is completely clueless by ordering the team to take a safety while leading by a mere half-point in the fourth quarter; the deuce handed Miami a 15-13.5 victory.
This year, I have noticed that even the officials seem to have no concept of the score. In week 1 in Pittsburgh, the officials ordered overtime to be played despite Pittsburgh holding an 11-9 lead over Atlanta! The hometown fans went insane, and I don’t blame them! Fortunately, the Steelers scored a touchdown to win 17-9.
In another controversial Saints game, the Falcons led New Orleans 28-24 at the end of regulation. Nevertheless, the officials ordered the teams to play overtime! Sean Payton confirmed his ineptitude as he launched a field goal that would have cut it to 28-27, Atlanta. Luckily for him, the kick was no good, as the Saints’ only chance to win was by scoring a touchdown since the officials were going to end the game after one more score. It didn’t matter, as Atlanta marched down the field and kicked a field goal to win 31-24.
At this point, I am so confused by the calls of the league’s coaches and the bizarre insistence on overtime by the officials that I am beginning the think the score is not displayed in NFL stadiums. Commissioner Roger Goodell needs to rectify this problem immediately, as it is inexcusable that a multi-billion dollar industry can’t even afford a scoreboard.
Hopefully we won’t see any more of these bizarre situations this weekend. Enjoy the games.
Week 4 Lines
Reminder: Picks must be in by Saturday at midnight in order to be considered on time.
The Top Ten: Week 4
Commentary: Apparently the recession ended, but not in the Funny Money Football League. Many franchises hemorrhaged cash in Week 3, but there were a few bright spots as well. Larisa Oleynik was the first to use her Wild Card bet this year, winning it but only netting $600 for the week. Larisa still is a little behind the pack, but made up some ground. A few squads also won $500 this week. But the long and short of it is that in two divisions $100 is leading, and in one division no one is in the positive. The first week with byes is here, so maybe that will be less games for franchises to wager incorrectly on.
(current total; last week’s ranking)
1. Mr. Marbles ($700, 1)
At least someone is doing relatively well. Mr. Marbles won another $300 and kept his lead in the South.
2. Yaz ($400, 5)
Yaz won $500 for the second straight week and is second overall, but is also second in the South. He’ll keep Mr. Marbles on his toes for the foreseeable future.
3. Mr. DeBlasis ($100, 10)
DeBlasis looked to be going conservative by betting five teams last week. But only a Monday night loss by Green Bay kept him from going 5-for-5. He now leads the East.
4. Karl Farbman ($100, 2)
Farbman dropped $100 and is now percentage points behind DeBlasis for the lead in the East.
5. Babe ($100, 3)
Babe split his bets and increased his lead in the North, with the rest of the teams struggling. Same as it was last week, he has a real chance to distance himself with two correct bets in Week 4.
6. Kenny Powers (-$100, NR)
Kenny makes his highest appearance to date in the Top Ten by reeling off a perfect week on the heels of two AFC North squads. Can he hang around with the big boys?
7. Boss Hardigan (-$100, NR)
And here comes the Boss! A perfect week has Hardigan with a division lead and visions of sugarplums dancing in his head.
8. Teddy KGB (-$100, NR)
Teddy squeaked out $100, but lost a bet on his hometown Rayyvens. Still, anything positive gets you into the Top Ten this year.
9. Ron Mexico (-$200, NR)
Ron is the only rookie in the Top Ten this week. Others have faded quickly, but Ron is only $100 out of the lead in the lackluster West.
10. The Phoenix (-$200, NR)
The Phoenix just won $500. You read that right. Give him a few weeks – he’ll have late bets at least twice by midseason.
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: The 21th Precinct; The Notorious A.B.T.
DROPPED OUT: Face; Slovy Maximus; Art Schlichter; The Notorious A.B.T.; Bayonnaise
Week 4 Standings
East
| Mr. DeBlasis | $100 |
| Karl Farbman | $100 |
| Kenny Powers | -$100 |
| The Phoenix | -$200 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$300 |
| Larisa Oleynik | -$500 |
| Bayonnaise | -$700 |
North
| Babe | $100 |
| T-Ferg | -$500 |
| The Beard of Zeus | -$500 |
| Face | -$700 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$700 |
| Kiko Garcia | -$900 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$1,100 |
South
| Mr. Marbles | $700 |
| Yaz | $400 |
| Teddy KGB | -$100 |
| Art Schlichter | -$300 |
| The People’s Champ | -$500 |
| Blossom Russo | -$500 |
| Will Cover | -$900 |
West
| Boss Hardigan | -$100 |
| Ron Mexico | -$200 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | -$300 |
| Slovy Maximus | -$400 |
| Gordon Bombay | -$700 |
| Rick Moranis | -$800 |
| Don Mattingly | -$1,100 |
Overall Leader
| Mr. Marbles | $700 |
| Yaz | $400 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $100 |
| Karl Farbman | $100 |
| Babe | $100 |
Week 3 Picks
