Week 9 Lines
Reminder: Bets must be in my Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – We are at the halfway point. It has been a lackluster season at best. Aside from the last few weeks, most of the league struggled to avoid losses. However, a ton of franchises are within striking distance and 18 guys still have their wild card bets left. No division is a runaway by any means. Nevertheless, no one is getting an “A” on their Midseason Report Card. No one deserves it.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Bayonnaise
Amount: $700
Winning %: 0.525
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Seattle – Won
Comment: The ‘Naise came on strong the last few weeks, +1,500 in Weeks 7 and 8 to be exact. The most alarming stat of the first half of the season for him is $0 in fines. If Bayonnaise goes an entire season without any fines, it would be on par with Wilt Chamberlain having a year of celibacy.
Grade: B+
Karl Farbman
Amount: $800
Winning %: 0.548
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Much like his career winning percentage dictates, Farbman always seems to hover around the 0.500 mark, never breaking away but never falling behind. Right now he leads the East but by a slim margin. His wild card bet could be the key to his season.
Grade: A-
Kenny Powers
Amount: $300
Winning %: 0.529
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Powers has flexed his muscles here and there in the 2010 campaign. He’s also had some bad weeks of betting. But he’s within a shout of the division lead and in the thick of the playoff hunt. A strong showing thus far.
Grade: B
Larisa Oleynik
Amount: -$600
Winning %: 0.429
Fines: $600
Wild Card: Week 3 – Tennessee – Won
Comment: Larisa disappointed early with a wagering gaffe that cost her a $600 fine. Without that, she’d be rolling. However, she had to pull out the wild card bet early in order to get back into things. She’ll need a solid second half to make a push for the playoffs.
Grade: C
Mr. DeBlasis
Amount: $300
Winning %: 0.593
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Mr. DeBlasis once ate the Bible while waterskiing. I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury. With a high winning percentage (almost 60%), DeBlasis is showing why he was an early season favorite to win it all. It might be a Mexican standoff between DeBlasis and the rest of the East: who will pull out the wild card bet first?
Grade: B-
The Phoenix
Amount: -$1,100
Winning %: 0.375
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: The Phoenix is a perfect example of a franchise that hasn’t done particularly well this year, but still isn’t out of it. If he can put together a couple bets in the second half, is it too much to say that the Phoenix might be in playoff contention?
Grade: C-
The 21th Precinct
Amount: -$1,400
Winning %: 0.326
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Hard times for the Precinct. He has steadily declined the last few weeks and now finds himself last in the division. If there is one franchise that needs (and can) turn it around quickly, it’s the Precinct. Look for his wild card to come out in the next few weeks.
Grade: D+
North Division
Babe
Amount: -$300
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Babe has gone right down the center line in the first half of 2010. Two bets each week: eight wins, eight losses. Still shaking off the Week 17 collapse in 2009, Babe hasn’t been able to get any momentum from week-to-week. He’s another franchise whose wild card bet will make or break his playoff fate.
Grade: C+
Face
Amount: -$600
Winning %: 0.413
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Going into the season, there were high hopes for Face. A seasoned veteran, he has slipped up in the last few weeks, but don’t count him out. He’s averaging about three bets per week, but might have to go to a two-team strategy to get back in it.
Grade: D+
Kiko Garcia
Amount: -$100
Winning %: 0.364
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 6 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Kiko’s record is quite deceiving. Only $100 in the negative, he has one of the lowest winning percentages in the league. But, he’s managed his money, won his wild card bet, and remains a playoff contender.
Grade: C+
Kimmy Gibbler
Amount: -$500
Winning %: 0.400
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 5 – Indianapolis – Won
Comment: No matter what Kimmy tries to do, she can’t seem to get over the hump. For ever week where she bets well, the next week she takes a step back. Gibbler has the potential, but has disappointed so far.
Grade: C-
T-Ferg
Amount: $-900
Winning %: 0.412
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: After a strong rookie season, T-Ferg has left a lot to be desired in 2010. He was crippled by a few push games in the first half. If they would’ve gone his way, he’d be right in contention. But if they would’ve gone the other way, he’d be way out of it.
Grade: D+
The Beard of Zeus
Amount: $600
Winning %: 0.595
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: With solid, methodical betting the Beard seems to have risen up this season. He has built one of the highest winning percentages in the league and leads his division at the halfway mark.
Grade: A-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Amount: -$1,500
Winning %: 0.471
Fines: $600
Wild Card: Week 7 – Denver – Lost
Comment: Waldo’s wild card bet was on Denver. The week they gave up 59 to the Raiders. It’s a microcosm of his season.
Grade: D-
South Division
Art Schlichter
Amount: -$1,300
Winning %: 0.438
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Baltimore – Lost
Comment: Art is the anti-Kiko Garcia. He has a pretty good winning percentage, but seems to always lose his biggest bets. It will take a big surge to get him back into the running for the playoffs.
Grade: D+
Blossom Russo
Amount: -$2,700
Winning %:
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 4 – Indianapolis – Lost
Comment: Oh Blossom. In my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine.
Grade: F
Mr. Marbles
Amount: $700
Winning %: 0.583
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Marbles is keeping pace in the South and still has his wild card bet. It looks as though the quest for the division title could be a two-horse race. But if Mr. Marbles fades in the next few weeks, the Champ could run away with it.
Grade: A-
Teddy KGB
Amount: -$200
Winning %: 0.528
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Teddy has been up and down and still has a shot at making a postseason run. That’s the good news. The bad news is his pattern of falling off in the second half of the season. We’ve seen this movie before and it doesn’t end well.
Grade: C+
The People’s Champ
Amount: $1,000
Winning %: 0.625
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Strong showing from the Champ, especially over the last four games. He owns the highest winning percentage in the league, has avoided fines, and overcame a slow start. But, he doesn’t have a big cushion in his division or overall. For now, he’s leading the pack.
Grade: A-
Will Cover
Amount: $0
Winning %: 0.429
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: After falling way back in the first few weeks, Will rebounded and now sits at even money going into the second half. He still has his wild card and has been trending towards the top of the standings. Can he keep it going?
Grade: B+
Yaz
Amount: -$1,000
Winning %: 0.406
Fines: $200
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Yaz has been way up (leading the division) and way down (now slipping to the bottom of the division). His legendary run at the end of the 2009 campaign showed that he can come from out of nowhere to win, but he has already dug himself a big hole with only nine weeks left.
Grade: C-
West Division
Boss Hardigan
Amount: -$100
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Another franchise that has been slow and steady, the Boss is exactly 0.500 on his bets. He’s got the wild card in his back pocket and will need to play it to rise up in the West. Three of the other teams in the division have already used their big bet, so if he can cash it in, the Boss will be in contention.
Grade: C+
Don Mattingly
Amount: -$1,200
Winning %: 0.368
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: He has done so much better since he started betting the Giants and Chiefs.
Grade: D+
Gordon Bombay
Amount: $700
Winning %: 0.474
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Kansas City – Won
Comment: Bombay brought the noise in Week 7, winning his wild card and taking over the division. He has a slim lead, but has more experience than the other contenders in the West. If this race goes the distance, he should have the upper hand.
Grade: A-
Rick Moranis
Amount: -$1,400
Winning %: 0.357
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Hell has not frozen over again. Rick is back to his losing ways, though he did win $500 to close out the first half. It looks like it’s going to be a season-long cellar battle between Rick and lifetime rival Don Mattingly.
Grade: D-
Ron Mexico
Amount: $600
Winning %: 0.556
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Week 5 – Philadelphia – Won
Comment: The strongest rookie to date, Ron won his wild card and briefly had the lead in the West. He followed this with a -$500 week and then a +$500 week. He’s only $100 back, but needs to be a little more consistent if he wants to be in the mix for the division – or even the overall – title.
Grade: A-
Slovy Maximus
Amount: $0
Winning %: 0.481
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 6 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Slovy crawled back to even money after winning his wild card in Week 6. He’s built a so-so winning percentage by betting tons of games. He’s had some success, but might need to change his wagering pattern to gain momentum in the second half.
Grade: B-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Amount: -$700
Winning %: 0.435
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: The A.B.T. couldn’t seem to get it going in the first half of 2010. He had shades of greatness but would be flattened the next week. His scientific approach to wagering has failed him so far. He might turn into a man of faith in the second half.
Grade: C-
Week 9 Standings
East
| Karl Farbman | $800 |
| Bayonnaise | $700 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $300 |
| Kenny Powers | $300 |
| Larisa Oleynik | -$600 |
| The Phoenix | -$1,100 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$1,400 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | $600 |
| Kiko Garcia | -$100 |
| Babe | -$300 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$500 |
| Face | -$600 |
| T-Ferg | -$900 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$1,500 |
South
| The People’s Champ | $1,000 |
| Mr. Marbles | $700 |
| Will Cover | $0 |
| Teddy KGB | -$200 |
| Yaz | -$1,000 |
| Art Schlichter | -$1,300 |
| Blossom Russo | -$2,700 |
West
| Gordon Bombay | $700 |
| Ron Mexico | $600 |
| Slovy Maximus | $0 |
| Boss Hardigan | -$100 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | -$700 |
| Don Mattingly | -$1,200 |
| Rick Moranis | -$1,400 |
Overall Leader
| The People’s Champ | $1,000 |
| Karl Farbman | $800 |
| Mr. Marbles | $700 |
| Bayonnaise | $700 |
| Gordon Bombay | $700 |
Wild Card Standings
| Mr. Marbles | $700 |
| Bayonnaise | $700 |
| Ron Mexico | $600 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | $300 |
| Kenny Powers | $300 |
| ————– | ——- |
| Slovy Maximus | $0 |
| Will Cover | $0 |
| Boss Hardigan | -$100 |
Week 8 Picks
As I See It: Bayonnaise
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s guest writer is Bayonnaise, fresh off a $1,000 week and a wild card win. ‘Naise, take it away….
Seven franchises with positive money totals so far this year. SEVEN. Ok, people. What’s going on here? Most of us have done this before, right? Are our girlfriends/wives/fantasy hockey leagues distracting us from the task at hand? (Did he say fantasy hockey?) In the words of the “best damn programmer Initech’s got!” – Samir Nayanajaad (yep, had to look that one up)…”this is a….a SUCK!”
While I’m speaking for myself here, (I’d still be knee deep in the red were it not for one lucky week) there has to be some rational explanation for why only a quarter of this league is in the money. Let’s examine some possibilities:
The Year of the Underdog
By this point in the season we all know that the underdog has been responsible for wreaking havoc on our money totals. Week in, week out, the underdogs have continued to make noise. For instance, on the heels of Week Five, in which the ‘dogs covered a majority of spreads, Week Six saw three underdogs win outright, and three others cover the spreads. This past week, NINE underdogs covered, with six winning outright. Without really knowing where to point the finger for almost an entire season thus far with a sub-zero money total (other than at myself) I’d select the underdogs as the number one culprit.
The 2009 NFL Season Hangover
Not satisfied with shifting his career focus to making Wrangler jeans commercials, #4 comes back for (cringe) ANOTHER season and isn’t as healthy/well-protected/lucky as he was last year. Without getting into the issue of Favre getting “lucky” off the field (hey-oooooo) it doesn’t appear the Vikings are who they were last year. Despite a poor season thus far, Favre and his team made such noise last year that perhaps franchises could still be betting with 2009 in mind?
One can turn to the defending Superbowl Champs for another example. I know I’ve bet the Saints at least once this year when they’ve failed to cover the spread, thinking they were one of the top teams in the league. Why would I think this? With exception of two weeks ago against the Bucs, they certainly haven’t looked like a team that’s capable of covering any large spreads. I blame 2009.
Home Field Not an Advantage?
I think it’s fair to say that some teams clearly do have a home-field advantage…a few that come to mind are Seattle, Kansas City, Atlanta (this year) and Green Bay in the heart of winter, for example. But in some cases, there are teams good enough to go on the road and take care of business, perhaps nullifying any home-field advantage that may lure us into taking a home.
With wins at Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and Miami, the Steelers come to mind here. While Big Ben’s bunch are likely better overall than all of these teams, they were 5.5 point underdogs in Tennessee, only 3 point favorites in Tampa Bay, (and won by 25 without their starting whore-terback) and would have covered in Miami this past week were it not for Roethlisberger being stripped on the goal line. Perhaps I’m biased because of my recurring nightmare of the Patriots getting spanked by the Dolphins in Miami with those blindingly bright orange jerseys, but as they seem to be a decent team this year, one might tend to think twice about betting against the fish in their own tank, right? They’re 0-3 at home.
Favorite Team Bias
Cowboys fans, if you’ve been betting in line with how the “experts” have predicted your ‘Boys to do this year, then your wallet’s probably not too full right now. Clearly, though, this bias can apply to anyone. Sure, I thought my Patriots would get the job done this past Sunday in San Diego…but I stayed away (so close to betting it). I’ve been screwed by believing in my team a little too much in as many a FMFL season as I can remember…yet once again, earlier this year I fell prey to the temptation. Far be it for me to think a Bill “run up the score” Belichick-coached team could win by more than two touchdowns against one of the two worst teams in the NFL. Really? Not even against the team that people were arguing might actually lose to a UFL team? It’s okay…I’m not bitter.
This brings me to another issue; a momentary departure from my attempts to explain our collective Funny Money Football betting ineptitude this year. When there are conflicting interests involving your favorite team and a team you have FMFL $$ on…what do you do?
As any franchise owner in this league can attest to, including FMFL rookies, betting in this league and subsequently watching a game on which he bet can make a man lose his mind.
As I slowly molded into my seat at a Hooters in Chicago a couple weeks ago, proudly donning my Patriots jersey after a big win over the Ravens, it dawned on me that my reactions after the Pats game ended were probably quite perplexing to the patrons of this fine establishment with delicious wings.
The average Urlacher jersey-clad Joe sitting a few tables away from me was in all likelihood thoroughly confused when I fist-pumped for the questionable pass interference call at the end of the Broncos/Jets game. In fact, he probably thought I knew nothing about football (who wears a Ben Coates jersey, anyway?)
I was torn throughout the course of this game on how to react. After all, rooting for the Jets is akin to a sin in New England. But……my bets!! San Diego had already laid their egg in St. Louis, so I was already in the red for the week, and was at the time wondering why I had bet on a team led by Donovan McNabb over a team led by Peyton Manning later that evening (home field bias?) So if I had any hopes of staving off another $500 loss, it rested on the shoulders of my least favorite team in the NFL. Even given the tight race in the AFC East, I couldn’t help but be somewhat pleased when LT ran in that final TD to put the Jets over the Broncos. Money, however so loosely connected to one win in Week Six of a Funny Money Football Season, had me reacting completely irrationally from the standpoint of a normal Pats fan. Again, this league can make a man go crazy!
One more attempt to explain this year….
The Apocalypse?!
The Bucs and Rams just played a somewhat meaningful game almost halfway through the season. What was considered the worst team in the league (sorry again, Bills fans) almost beat a team considered one of the best in their own house. It has rained five times within the last week and a half here in San Diego. It doesn’t rain in San Diego. I couldn’t even tell you the last time it rained before last weekend. J-Wowww may have “lost” in a fight. Don Mattingly is poised to bet the Chiefs again for the rest of the year and rise from the cellar to become a contender in the West. Who really knows WHAT is going on?
Week 8 Lines
Note: The San Francisco/Denver game will be played in London.
Reminder: Bets must be in by Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
The Top Ten:
Commentary: Four franchises bet their wild cards in a crazy Week 7. Two franchises won (Gordon Bombay and Bayonnaise) and will appear in the Top Ten. Two franchises lost (Art Schlichter and Waldo Geraldo Faldo) and will not appear in the Top Ten. As we head toward the halfway point of the season, the cream seems to be rising toward the top, with a lot of familiar names climbing to the lead in the divisions. And all seems right in the world with Rick Moranis back in the cellar and sporting a putrid 3-12-3 (0.250 winning percentage) on the year.
(current total; last week’s ranking)
1. Gordon Bombay ($600, 5)
Historically one of the league’s top franchises, Bombay nailed his wild card bet, but lost his other wager, winning $600 on the week. It was enough to get him to the top of the West and he is now the pole sitter in The Top Ten.
2. The People’s Champ ($500, 3)
The Champ hit three out of four in Week 7 and still holds the lead in the South.
3. Karl Farbman ($300, 2)
Another week with Farbman splitting his games, yet he still leads the East Division. But hold on a second – who is that strutting up the leaderboard?….
4. Bayonnaise ($200, NR)
…..it’s Bayonnaise all right. A $1,000 week for the ‘Naise shoots him right to the top of the heap. He’s $100 out of the division lead and $400 out of the overall lead, just like that.
5. Mr. Marbles ($200, NR)
Marbles won $500 and closed the gap on the People’s Champ in the South.
6. The Beard of Zeus ($100, 4)
Much like Farbman, the Beard is just hanging on for dear life in the North. He lost $100 on the week, but still has his icy grasp on the division.
7. Ron Mexico ($100, 1)
Ron was red hot heading into Week 7, but he lost both of his bets, his division lead, and now he faces a $500 deficit going into Week 8.
8. Babe (-$100, NR)
Just when we thought Babe had been pronounced dead on the table, he comes back to life with a big $500 lead. He’s just $200 back in the North.
9. Face (-$100, 7)
Face was just one game away from a perfect week as well. The Beard of Zeus might be able to hear the footsteps trailing closely behind him….
10. Teddy KGB (-$100, 9)
Things are starting to pick up in the South, so Teddy needs to step up his game if he wants to contend.
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: Mr. DeBlasis; Kenny Powers; Boss Hardigan
DROPPED OUT: Mr. DeBlasis; Boss Hardigan; Slovy Maximus
Week 8 Standings
East
| Karl Farbman | $300 |
| Bayonnaise | $200 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | -$200 |
| Kenny Powers | -$200 |
| Larisa Oleynik | -$500 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$900 |
| The Phoenix | -$1,000 |
North
| The Beard of Zeus | $100 |
| Babe | -$100 |
| Face | -$100 |
| Kiko Garica | -$400 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | -$600 |
| T-Ferg | -$800 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | -$1,600 |
South
| The People’s Champ | $500 |
| Mr. Marbles | $200 |
| Teddy KGB | -$100 |
| Will Cover | -$500 |
| Yaz | -$800 |
| Art Schlichter | -$1,400 |
| Blossom Russo | -$2,200 |
West
| Gordon Bombay | $600 |
| Ron Mexico | $100 |
| Boss Hardigan | -$200 |
| Slovy Maximus | -$300 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | -$500 |
| Don Mattingly | -$1,100 |
| Rick Moranis | -$1,900 |
Overall Leader
| Gordon Bombay | $600 |
| The People’s Champ | $500 |
| Karl Farbman | $300 |
| Mr. Marbles | $200 |
| Bayonnaise | $200 |
Week 7 Picks
As I See It: Mr. DeBlasis
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week, some have called our guest writer “The Most Intriguing Man in Funny Money.” That’s right, it’s Mr. DeBlasis. MD, take it away….
“Oh, but I see. Now it’s clear” – Alan Watts, philosopher
With six weeks in the books, the once young NFL season is starting to take shape. Teams are growing out of their preconceived expectations into their true identity. Certainly some are developing faster than others. However I think it’s easy to identify where all teams are in the NFL lifecycle. Here’s how I see it:
The “Hit-their-growth-spurt-early” Division
We all know the type. All the other kids are hanging around that 4ft-range. That is, everyone except that one freaky 7yr old who stands at a lanky 5’6″. You know, the one who can’t read but could dunk on an 9ft hoop. These teams came out the gate fast and you thought, “Wow, this team could win some games this year!” in the same way a proud father thinks his 7yr is a surefire No 1 NBA draft prospect. Unfortunately the answer is “No, they won’t”. Everyone will catch-up to them both in height and ability. Do not be fooled by these teams. Division Winner: Chicago Bears. Rest of Division: Kansas City Chiefs, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
The “Bearded 7yr old” Division
These are the teams wise beyond their years and know how to take care of their business. They may be a bit hardheaded, classic been-around-the-block type. As easily the most mature of the group, the understand the process because they invented the process. No one is or should ever be surprised to see them atop the heap. They walk up to school both ways, would prefer to play without helmets and survive on a strictly meat diet – human meat. Ok, they aren’t Chuck Norris, but they will still kick your ass. Division Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers. Rest of Division: Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, New England Patriots, Miami Dolphins, NY Jets
The “Benjamin Button Disease” Division
Ahh, we all remember the Benjamin Button’s of our youth. Even as young children, they already seemed so accomplished, so seasoned and wise. You thought they’d seen it all and could conquer any challenge. Problem is that you are putting confidence in a person who is literally becoming less and less capable by the day. The teams in this division may once have resembled Brad Pitt. However, by the end of the season, they will literally be a screaming baby with no where to look but up to the teams that have passed them by. Division Winner: Dallas Cowboys. Rest of Division: New Orleans Saints, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings
The “7yr old in Diapers” Division
Growing up, there was always the one 3rd grader whose pants were just a little too bunchy. Always smelled a little suspect and made those awkward faces as he squatted in the corner of the art room. Newsflash, he was dropping the Cosby kids in a hammock. This just proves that because you look fully developed, you will never be as good as everyone else unless you lose the Huggies. You’re not fooling anyone. Division Winner (tie): San Francisco 49ers & San Diego Chargers
The “Hermaphrodite” or “It’s PAT” Division
We have all been there, quietly whispering to a friend, “Is that a man or a woman? I mean from this angle it looks like a man. But whoa, from this angle I swear it’s a chick!” The truth is with some people, you really don’t know unless you get under the hood. And I personally would not volunteer for that task. The confusion is further compounded when they have names like Sam or Jamie or, well, Pat. This division is made up of teams that leave you scratching your heads each week with a “Well wait, last week they were a total Nancy but now…” We may never know, nor do we want to. Division Winner: NY Giants Rest of Division: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons, Tennessee Titans, Washington Redskins
The “Still Nursing” Division
With these kids, you literally have to pry the tit out of their mouth. Crippled by fear of growing-up and actually act their age, these children become the doormat of their age bracket. “No, you cannot bring your blankie to the 3rd grade.” Sucking thumbs and hugging their mother’s leg, these kids will be bullied and picked on by everyone until they get their act together. Chronic bedwetting and bad dreams are also characteristic of these perpetual losers. Division Winner: Buffalo Bills Rest of Division: Cleveland Browns, Carolina Panthers, Arizona Cardinals
The “Little-Big-Man Complex” Division
Well what do we have here. A bunch of little piss-ants that just won’t go away. They are small, undersized for their age but man are they feisty. No one expects the 4ft kid to bully the bigger, faster kids. However, they always manage to sneak up on one or two. Watch out for these kids to be giving more promising kids swirlies and titty twisters before all is said and done. And forget about being able to do anything about it. They have to compensate for their height somehow. It just so happens it will be at your expense. Division Winner: Seattle Seahawks Rest of Division: St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders
The “Participation Trophy” Division
“You did well kid, not good enough, but I mean you showed up every week. Except for a few weeks when you didn’t show up, but I mean, your parents did pay that sign-up fee. I guess we owe you something. Here is a trophy that says you were a member of the team. But unless you want to be bullied by other actual competitors, I would highly recommend not displaying this anywhere. Oh, and by the way, the fact that your jersey looks as crisp and new as the day you got it should not be worn as a badge of honor. Save yourself some embarrassment later and go play around in the mud or roll down a grassy hill.” ‘Nuff said. Division Winner: Jacksonville Jaguars Rest of Division: Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals
