The Top Ten: Week 2
Commentary: Well….we’re back. Kind of. A brutal week for the league, as 12 of the 28 franchises failed to notch a win. Covers by San Diego, Oakland, and the NY Jets doomed a large percentage of the FMFL. An especially bad week for Babe, who because of his late bets, starts the season down $600. Two franchises were perfect, and they lead the way. Though it’s still early in the year and there is plenty of time to catch up, all those who lost $500 or more cannot afford a winless Week 2.
1. Larisa Oleynik ($500)
The always dangerous Larisa starts off hot, winning both of her bets and tied for the East and Overall leads. The divisional competition is stiff, and many pundits believe that the East champion will be the regular season champ as well.
2. Ron Mexico ($500)
Ronnie rode San Diego’s big Monday night lead and hung on for a perfect week. He’s keeping up with Larisa and has shown in the past that he has what it takes to go toe-to-toe for the long run.
3. Waldo Geraldo Faldo ($200)
Waldo has always chosen the strategy of wager on a lot of games. The results have been mixed, but in Week 1, he won two games, lost one, and pushed one. It’s enough for the lead in the West. Only 16 weeks to go.
4. Kimmy Gibbler ($100)
In a blast from the past, Kimmy is relevant again. She leads the South after a tough first week of the season. Kimmy is the only franchise in the positive in the South.
5. Face ($100)
Face looks to be one of the clear favorites in the West, and he was a Eli Manning chokefest away from perfect week. He trails Waldo by a mere $100.
6. Will Cover (-$100)
With much of the rest of the field bunched together, Will is one name that is to be feared. Look for him to break out in Week 2 (no pressure, Will).
7. Gordon Bombay (-$100)
Gordon is the target of the rest of the stacked East Division, as his failure to draft put together this collection of gambling powerhouses. So far, Gordie has cut out the noise and is tied for third place in the East.
8. Karl Farbman (-$100)
A former champion coming off a disappointing 2012 campaign, Farbman has the potential to be a true contender. However, digging himself a $600 hole to start the season won’t help him.
9. Bud Fox (-$100)
Since he came into the league, Bud has always been in the playoff hunt. He remains near the top of the league with a ho-hum week.
10. Art Schlichter (-$100)
The putrid North Division almost failed to have a franchise in The Top Ten, but Art makes it this week. He’s tied for the division lead with Mr. Marbles, but so far in the North, there are no winners.
Also receiving votes: Mr. Marbles; Teddy KGB; Kiko Garcia
Week 2 Standings
Week 1 Results
Week 1 Picks
Week 1 Lines
Note: Bets must be placed by midnight on Saturday night in order to be considered on time.
Week 1 Standings
Welcome to 2013 from Bayonnaise
(Editor’s note: The 2012 winner, Bayonnaise, has graciously contributed some wisdom as we kick off the 2013 season. His message is below.)
I’d like to start by wishing a happy 30th birthday to our very own Rick Moranis…he just keeps getting younger and younger…I just don’t know how he pulls it off.
Gentlemen of Funny Money – as we approach Labor Day and the official end of summer, the days grow shorter and perhaps a bit cooler, delicious fall-edition beers beckon to us from behind the glass at your favorite convenient store, and the NFL preseason hype is at its peak. Most importantly, the thrill of a fresh Funny Money season is now upon us.
I’d like to offer up some tried and true advice on betting habits that just might lead you to the championship season that we can all envision ourselves achieving right now. Here are my five tips on what matters, and what matters not with respect to your pre-bet ritual:
1.) Betting day breakfast
If you are the “eh, I don’t really eat breakfast, I’m good with coffee” type, then you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Betting without any food in the stomach can lead to irrational, spur-of-the-moment bets. Too much coffee can also lead to excess excitement over a Russell Wilson or RGIII highlight from the previous week, which have been known to alter betting behavior.
Matters
2.) Wearing your “good luck” jersey/socks/whatever flavor applies to you:
I’ve gone several weeks without washing my favorite jersey after a $500 week (it might not be a coincidence that I was single at the time) only to see a poor betting performance AND my favorite team lose. Don’t worry about your game-watching garb, and don’t hide from Tide.
Doesn’t matter
3.) NFL analyst predictions:
I would be embarrassed to admit how many times I’ve let the prediction of a Mark Schlereth-type overrule my gut-feeling on the possible outcome of a game. Yes, I know, they deliver their opinions with such conviction! Skip all the TV analyst banter. You’ll have the added bonus of freeing up some space on the DVR without needing to record all those NFL Live episodes that you’ll never watch.
Don’t matter
4.) Opinions of your buddies, or that guy in the office with whom you only talk about sports:
Same concept. The favorite team bias comes into play here, as does something they knew about a team 3 weeks ago, which ends up being irrelevant for the current week’s game. Or worse….they may have been brainwashed by an analyst while eating their corn flakes.
Don’t matter
And finally, perhaps the single largest offender that has a detrimental effect on betting success, unbeknownst to the innocent football-watching male in our society….is:
5.) Letting your wife/girlfriend monopolize time that you know should be spent re-connecting with your inner betting genius:
“Honey, sweetie, let’s take the dog out to the park!”
“Honey, can you fix the door on the back porch today? “
Just like that. Precious minutes of your Saturday (if you’re like me and wait until the day bets are due) STOLEN from you when you need to be focusing on what’s ultimately most important in life – your Funny Money bets. Let’s face it – what’s more valuable – some lovey-dovey time at the park or time spent doing your OWN prep work and learning that a red-hot Andrew Luck is going up against a Swiss cheese secondary on Sunday…leading you to cash in and cruise into the week-long sweet aftertaste of victory. I think you know the answer.
Matters
My hope is that you all have gained an insight or two to take with you into this brand new season. I wish you all the best luck, with the exception of those in my division, and we’ll see ya on the weekly standings.
Yours truly,
Bayonnaise
Don Mattingly’s 2013 Season Preview
(Editor’s note: Before the season begins, we like to get another look at how the 2013 FMFL campaign might unfold. For some reason, we continue to give Don Mattingly carte blanche to write whatever he wants. Here’s what he came up with. Enjoy.)
In honor of the ascension of the Big Hurt into the ranks of the 2013 FMFL, let’s take a peek at the Donald’s preseason picks, paying homage to one of the Big Hurt’s top nemesis – the 1992-93 Toronto Blue Jays…
Triple A
28. Huck Flener – Face
Some random clown I’ve never heard of…seems an appropriate comparison to the franchise one FMFL media member once dubbed the “Nikolai Volkoff of Funny Money.”
Consistent Stalwarts
27. Dave Stieb – Rick Moranis
26. Dave Stewart – The Phoenix
‘80s baseball fans could pencil in the Dave’s for 15-20 wins each and every year. Similarly, Funny Money fans can always count on a classic -$500, -$500, -$500 from these franchises week in and week out.
One Hit Wonders Presented by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
25. Ed Sprague – Bayonnaise
What’s the more shocking feat: Ed Sprague once put together a season of 36 homers and 101 RBI or Bayonnaise goes down in history as a FMFL champion?
24. Kelly Gruber – The Beard of Zeus
In the ‘90s, many circles considered Ed Sprague the modern day Kelly Gruber (Kelly Gruber actually went 31/118 in 1990!). Although many fans will remember Kelly for his 1992 autobiography Kelly Gruber: At Home on Third (this is not a joke, although I wish it was), I’ll always remember him as the guy with the great, blonde, Lex Luger-esque mullet in the midst of nearly every pack of 1991 Topps I opened up. I have a similar affinity towards the Beard of Zeus’ facial hair.
Middle Relief/Journeymen
23. Mike Timlin – Kenny Powers
22. Duane Ward – Art Schlichter
Much like Cito Gaston dialing up these late-inning specialists on days where Tom Henke just had his fill, I just really want to believe in Kenny and Art, I really do. Unfortunately, I just don’t see it happening.
21. Luis Sojo – Boss Hardigan
I think any Yankees’ fan from the late ‘90s has a special place in their heart for good-spirited, Latino utility men like Luis Sojo and Jose Nobody Beats the Vizcaino. Unfortunately, for Boss Hardigan, this is a 1992-93 Blue Jays’ power rankings.
20. Todd Stottlemyre – The Big Hurt
The Big Hurt and Todd Stottlemyre are both bright-eyed, bushy-tailed rookies heading into the heat of a playoff race, but that’s really where the similarities end. Todd Stottlemyre, although serviceable, was, of course, overshadowed by his much more famous, former Major League Pitcher father, so…hopefully, The Big Hurt will be a more successful expansion franchise than the 1977 Seattle Mariners.
19. Pat Borders – The Notorious A.B.T.
It wasn’t always pretty, but Pat Borders was essentially the backbone of the Blue Jays’ golden years. When he was behind the plate, you always felt comfortable that a good game was about to be called. This is the same feeling I get when I see the Notorious one in my division year after year – a sense of comfort knowing a classic middling finish is on the horizon from this franchise.
18. David Wells – T-Ferg
17. Al Leiter – Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Are T-Ferg and Waldo Geraldo for real, or simply smoke and mirrors, like these two former New York sort-of aces/”really, he pitched a no-hitter?” southpaws?
Well-Respected Veterans
16. Jimmy Key – Babe
15. Devon White – Kiko Garcia
Say what you will about Babe and Kiko, these two franchises are consummate professionals.
14. Juan Guzman – Mr. Marbles
13. John Olerud – Kimmy Gibbler
Mr. Marbles and Kimmy have never been known to be flashy, but when playoff time arrives, you know these two franchises will be right on the cusp.
12. David Cone – Don Mattingly
By 1992, David Cone was a snake-bitten pitcher. Always extravagant, glitzy, and, quite frankly, flamboyant, the fans just absolutely craved for more of the Cone Zone. However, up until that point in his career, Cone just couldn’t shake the stigma of falling apart during the big game. By his Blue Jays’ run, though, things took a turn for the better, and now we all remember him for the legend that he truly is. 2013 will probably go the same way for the perpetually playoff-miscued Donald.
Up and Coming Stars
11. Jeff Kent – Bud Fox
10. Carlos Delgado – Ron Mexico
Former blue chip prospects Bud Fox and Ron Mexico have been tough to beat during their FMFL careers, and, truthfully, I think they’re only scratching the surface. My one concern – they’ve been almost too good. Do they have some sort of in with Walter Football that we just don’t know about? Will the Executive Director ever institute an official investigation into this matter?
9. Pat Hentgen – Blossom Russo
Just your standard, run of the mill, 24-7, under the radar go-to.
One Last Hurrah
8. Dave Winfield – Teddy KGB
Much maligned franchise Teddy KGB looks to prove to the fans that they are no bust, but some in the FMFL media feel this may be their last shot at relevance.
7. Tony Fernandez – Karl Farbman
Hunky Tony struggled mightily with the lowly Mets before turning things around during the stretch run with the Jays after a deadline deal, helping to propel them to the promised land. Karl, too, is coming off a disappointing season. Can he dig deep and return to his typical form in 2013?
6. Tom Henke – Gordon Bombay
The bespectacled master of the ninth inning, Tom Henke was nothing short of intimidating when he took the hill, arrogantly daring opponents to challenge his daunting prowess. Gord’s Gold continues an impressive run, constantly putting up gaudy numbers since the FMFL’s infancy. I see no reason that’ll stop now.
5. Paul Molitor – Yaz
4. Jack Morris – The People’s Champ
3. Rickey Henderson – Larisa Oleynik
Yaz, TPC, and Larisa – all former champions, heralded year after year as all-time FMFL greats, franchises that refuse to buckle under the pressure or wilt under the bright lights of FMFL intense media scrutiny. One of these three will surely be vying for the oh so coveted FMFL crown come February. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.
All-Stars
2. Robbie Alomar – 21th Precinct
The Precinct has been slowly climbing the charts of the FMFL leaderboards the past few years, and I think this is the season this franchise finally breaks out!
1. Joe Carter – Will Cover
“Touch ‘em all, Joe!” – The most enduring illustration of the Blue Jays’ run may be Joe Carter’s series clinching dinger in 1993. Over the past two FMFL seasons, Will Cover has bullied his divisional opponents into a pulp, slowly teasing them, dangling thoughts of glory in their faces, and then mercifully slitting their jugulars at the most opportune of moments – namely when Christian Ponder decides to have the game of his sad, pathetic life. This year, I think he takes it to the next level and treats the whole league like his own personal Mitch Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Champ – Will Cover.
The Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Last year, whilst hanging out at The Tangiers, I snuck into a Norm MacDonald set. What a guy. Remember his old Larry King bit during the Kevin Nealon glory years of SNL? This preview, replete with odds I picked out of a hat, is somewhat reminiscent of those sketches (at least a few of them are, anyway). Here we go, gang.
EAST DIVISION
A veritable murderer’s row lane
Gordon Bombay – Much like Billy Madison upon his return to Knibb High School, listening to “The Stroke” always fires up Gordon for an intense day of consulting.
Odds: 8 to 1
Blossom Russo – Blossom ‘s tough off-season was spent holed-up at the Señor Frog’s in Myrtle Beach, where after another long night she demanded they change the name to “Mr.” Frog’s. The Spanglish that has been eating away at her ever since has unfortunately gotten much, much worse.
Odds: 15 to 1
Bud Fox – This may come as a shock to some of you, but Bud “The Stud” Fox is adamant that he’s always been an Emilio guy. That declaration aside, you can’t argue with the pedigree.
Odds: 10 to 1
Karl Farbman – Rumor has it that Karl Farbman nee Hungus was last seen boarding a shady helicopter in The Philippines with the last few bags of money from the WePay vault.
Odds: 6 to 1
Larissa Oleynik – Is anyone else kind of tired of Larissa winning every year? Seriously, what’s her secret? Is she sleeping with Alan Fong?
Odds: 5 to 2
Ron Mexico – A notorious albino, Ron avoids the hot Mexican sun by never going sans sleeves. His alias exists simply to fool the law.
Odds: 10 to 1
Yaz – I’ve gone to my wheelhouse many times in previews of Yaz and said that he is old. That’s because Yaz is old. Not quite grocery shopping at 7 a.m. old, but he’s getting there.
Odds: 5 to 1
NORTH DIVISION
Abraham Lincoln’s strike force
Bayonnaise – This is a guy who routinely runs a 15-miler an hour before his scheduled departure time, misses his flight, and still ends up arriving early, covered in mustard, aboard a private jet with the Swedish Bikini Team. Don’t act so surprised that he prefers mustard to mayo.
Odds: 8 to 1
Art Schlichter – Schlichter sounds like the name of beer my dad used to drink in college that has reemerged to become en vogue in urban hipster districts, aka “The Arts”.
Odds: 25 to 1
Boss Hardigan – Boss Hardigan and I had a serious heart-to-heart discussion at the end of last season where I tried to convince him to change his name to “Commander” Hardigan. He just refused to consider, and we parted on dubious terms.
Odds: 15 to 1
Don Mattingly – What do Dave Grohl, He-Man, and Cito Gaston all have in common? After spending nearly all of his off-season hours pondering this core question of our time, Don was only able to come up with, “How say The Tejas Tornado?” The fans just don’t see this boding well.
Odds: 15 to 1
Mr. Marbles – Unlike Blossom, Marbles has really started to embrace his inner señor, and has vowed to become the FMFL’s new Tex-Mex darling. His first move was to dump his doomsday stockpile of nacho Cheese Wiz in favor of shredded jack, truly a genuine effort.
Odds: 15 to 1
The Big Hurt – Frank Thomas was essentially the high water mark of baseball players wearing large crowned hats on the very tops of their heads. (See also: outstandingly tight pants.) Days like these are when I just pine for the early 90s.
Odds: 100 to 1
The Phoenix – Nowhere else to go but up, my man.
Odds: 5,000 to 1
SOUTH DIVISION
Waiting for someone to rise, again.
Will Cover – Essentially the Michael Musto of the FMFL, his fine record of bets and winnings over the years was recently published as La Dolce Cover.
Odds: 4 to 1
Babe – Turning his back on the gyro for his pending nuptials (wait, what?), Babe has cleaned up his eating act. If it’s not pan-seared now you might as well take it back. Babe, we hardly knew ye.
Odds: 20 to 1
Kiko Garcia – Those who know me well are familiar with my fondness for Streets of Rage II, in which the most common enemy is interchangeably known as Garcia/Galsia. I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon than by simultaneously taking out Wayne and a pack of Garcias with Axel’s special punch.
Odds: 40 to 1
Kimmy Gibbler – If the other franchises get on board with a circulating petition to start calling her Kimmy “Jib-ler”, we could all be in for a real treat this year.
Odds: 20 to 1
Rick Moranis – Let’s face it – I peaked with Strange Brew.
Odds: 10,000 to 1
The 21th Precinct – The reason why Hollywood loves Thomas Hayden Church so much is that he just excels in the everyman roles we all identify with. Have you seen him enjoy each and every class of wine he drinks in Sideways without judgment? You know the 21th Precinct agrees.
Odds: 12 to 1
The Notorious A.B.T. – I got to spend some time with A.B.T. this summer and learned that he really likes Caesar (pronounced Say-czar) salads. But he has mixed emotions about croutons, which seems a bit inconsistent.
Odds: 50 to 1
WEST DIVISION
Brought to you by spaghetti
Face – This just in, Face was once the world’s biggest Arli$$ fan, but he just can’t bring himself to get behind Bob Wuhl’s recent exploits.
Odds: 9 to 1
Kenny Powers – Sirs Merriam y Webster define power, among other things, as (1): ability to act or produce an effect (2): ability to get extra-base hits (3): capacity for being acted upon or undergoing an effect. Going 1 for 3 would be an admirable effort for Kenny.
Odds: 18 to 1
T-Ferg –Things T-Ferg loves: Mexican food, Yahoo! Sports, domestic autos, and gin. Just a young man trapped inside a middle-aged, Middle America man’s body.
Odds: 25 to 1
Teddy KGB – Teddy basically gives up hope midway through the season, so I’m giving up on his preview mid-sent….
Odds: 1,000 to 1
The Beard of Zeus – I’ve eaten his deep fried turkey, and it’s really good. (Pairs perfectly with a can of Schlichter Lite) If he came to me selling snake oil and bibles, I’d probably just give him the deed to my house.
Odds: 10 to 1
The People’s Champ – Allow me to indulge you for a moment with this quotation: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”- Dag Hammarskjold
Basically, a man with the name of an obscure, yet awesome Norwegian skier hath dissed our so-called “man of the people”. Who am I to disagree?
Odds: 10 to 1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo – As the proud owner of www.stevezahnismyace.com, Waldo is always pleased when the classic American film Sahara is on during his prime Sunday afternoon snacking time.
Odds: 20 to 1
That’s all she and he wrote. Remember, some of you will win, some of you will lose, and some of you will bet on the Chiefs. Good luck.
-Rick
2013 Divisions
East Division
Gordon Bombay*
Blossom Russo
Bud Fox
Karl Farbman
Larisa Oleynik
Ron Mexico
Yaz
North Division
Bayonnaise*
Art Schlichter
Boss Hardigan
Don Mattingly
Mr. Marbles
The Big Hurt
The Phoenix
South Division
Will Cover*
Babe
Kiko Garcia
Kimmy Gibbler
Rick Moranis
The 21th Precinct
The Notorious A.B.T.
West Division
Face*
Kenny Powers
T-Ferg
Teddy KGB
The Beard of Zeus
The People’s Champ
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
*Defending division champion
