Week 1 Recap: Winners & Losers
Winners: In the East, the list of winners is short, with Don Mattingly being the franchise that rose to the top of this disgusting heap. He’s at -$100, but that’s enough to grab the lead after the first session….Heading over to the North, The Phoenix, who turned around his career last season with a postseason appearance, continues his winning ways with a perfect week. More importantly, with the rest of the league struggling, he has a $1,000 lead over four of his competitors in the division….Face and Bud Fox both ended the first week with $100, which gives them both a lead on the defending champ and the rest of the pitiful South Division. There’s a lot of experience in this division and it wouldn’t be a surprise if the South produced the bulk of the wild card berths when it’s all said and done….And in the West, Rick Moranis, who in the past has enjoyed a room in the cellar of the career ranks with the likes of The Phoenix, starts off strong and builds off his 2013 campaign. Not far behind is Blossom Russo, who is looking to atone for her poor performance last year.
Losers: A poor showing by Gordon Bombay, Karl Farbman, and Art Schlichter in the East, but especially Gordon and Karl, two veterans and playoff franchises from last season. Although this is a marathon and not a sprint, Week 2 will be crucial for them…Up in the North, Abe Froman and OJ, we’ll give you a pass since you are expansion franchises. The real shame goes to Larisa Oleynik and The People’s Champ. Both have won FMFL Titles, yet both failed to register a victory in Week…With so many to in the South to choose from this week, but we’ll have to go with Chris B. Corey. A return to the league after a four year ban and this is how it starts? When Lazarus rose again, did he also experience a false start…The West Division defending champ, Teddy KGB. He was the only one in the division to go winless, and now he’ll face an uphill battle, but there are sixteen weeks to go.
Week 2 Standings
Week 1 Picks
Week 1 Lines
Note: Bets must be placed by Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
Welcome to the 2014 Season from Kimmy Gibbler
(Editor’s note: The 2013 winner, Kimmy Gibbler, has graciously contributed some wisdom as we kick off the 2014 season. Her message is below.)
After a few rough seasons of bad luck and injuries, I knew I had to take a new mental approach coming into last season. I was at a loss as to how to regain the form and I had just a few years prior.
The Funny Money Football League had drained me, and just before I threw in the towel, I received a little advice from The Hero of San Juan Hill. Teddy helped me tune out all of the naysayers who said I know longer had what it takes, a quick inspirational speech helped me to refocus on the upcoming season, he told me…
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Motivated by these words, I was able to turn in arguably the greatest season in Funny Money history. I come into this season looking to maintain that focus and fend off the wily veterans and cagey newcomers.
All I can say is keep your head up and keep on grindin’, there is a payoff for all of the hard work.
Best of luck.
Almost forgot…to the victor goes the spoils!
Week 1 Standings
Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Greetings from The Tangiers! I write this annual preview fresh off of blowing my FMFL playoff winnings on the world’s lamest bender with Norman Chad. Whoever said third place is the second loser was really onto something. Onto the odds…
East Division
Art Schlichter: Part of Art Schlichter’s problem is that although he works for UPS, he continues to invest his life savings in DSL Express.
Odds: 50-1
Babe: Babe put his dream of buying a fleet of gyro-only food trucks on hold to purchase a new house this summer. Nobody needs the $480 division winner’s purse more than a guy with stockpiles of pita bread in a moving truck.
Odds: 5-1
Don Mattingly: Did you know that in 1992 Don Mattingly was moonlighting as a body double, on standby and ready to step in at a moment’s notice for Tom Selleck in the Spanish language remake of Mr. Baseball, tentatively titled Señor Beisbol?
Odds: 100-1
Gordon Bombay: Nobody, I mean nobody will be more irate if Gordon Bombay bets his wild card on the Patriots again this year than Hans.
Odds: 10-1
Karl Farbman: In Rocky III Carl Weathers lost a beach race, and then in Rocky IV he died. How this affects Karl Farbman remains to be seen.
Odds: 12 American dollars – 1.
T-Ferg: When the T-Ferg franchise was just one guy in Baltimore wearing cardigan sweaters in July, the results were average at best. Now that the T-Ferg franchise is two guys in Baltimore, the results are projected to be just as middling.
Odds: 20-1
The Big Hurt: Given the choice between playing as himself on Sports Talk Baseball or annihilating disgruntled barman Wayne in Streets of Rage II, nine times out of ten The Big Hurt chooses the latter.
Odds: 30-1
(Note: I do not apologize for writing this same bit every year.)
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: It has been well documented in this space that Waldo likes to waste away Sunday afternoons, but boy does he have a real treat waiting for him this year – Quantum Leap -The Complete Series, staring Scott Bakula. The question remains, “How say Al?”
Odds: 300-1
North Division
Abe Froman: Much like Sebastian in Cruel Intentions, this cocky youngster may be in over his head.
Odds: 25-1
Bayonnaise: When I knew Bayonnaise during our college years, he would hang his white t-shirts on hangars, so color me only slightly surprised he has won his division the past two years. If he starts hanging up his button-downs, we may as well just scuttle the league.
Odds: 5-2
Kenny Powers: I was surprised to discover that I actually have a better all-time winning percentage than Kenny Powers, which I think could be solved if he went just by “Ken” like all the other hunks out there.
Odds: 100-1
Larisa Oleynik: Some of Larisa’s film credits include A Time for Dancing, Relative Obscurity, and Backyard Wedding. You know what? These look outstanding.
Odds: 4-1
OJ: I’m tired of hearing that OJ was ruined alongside Commodities traders Duke & Duke by a bad bet on frozen concentrated orange juice when insiders have long known that it was pork bellies that brought The Juice down.
Odds: 75-1
Shecky: Is this the year that Shecky finally throws all of his chips on the advice of his idol, Hammerin’ Hank Goldberg?
Odds: 20-1
The People’s Champ: This preview for the People’s Champ is a just blatant excuse to run this clip. Anyway, I think he has a bounce-back year.
Odds: 8-1
The Phoenix: The show Doomsday Preppers is about a bunch of clowns rooting The Phoenix to win his division. Can I sell you a one-way ticket aboard Hale-Bopp, good sir?
Odds: 500-1
South Division
Bud Fox: I may be out of Wall Street references this year, but let’s just go head and say it – Michael Douglas is aging like a fine cognac.
Odds: 15-1
Chris B. Corey: Whatever happened to Chris B. Corey Haim? Sources say he was last spotted buying new Coach luggage at the Auroa Farms Premium Outlets with Chris B. Corey Feldman.
Odds: 1,000-1
Face: Whereas most like Nick Cage in Face/Off, Face himself prefers Face-Off, a 1971 Canadian feature film about a rookie Toronto Maple Leafs ice hockey player and his romance with a musician. Things were going great until famously affable Canadian critic Martin Knelman of The Globe and Mail found the production “downright head-clutchingly terrible.”
Odds: 40-1
Kiko Garcia: You know what sucks? Seattle won the Super Bowl by more than four points.
Odds: 15-1
Kimmy Gibbler: After Seattle won last year’s Super Bowl by more than four points, Kimmy Gibbler celebrated by scaling Mt. Rainer and tossing her winnings off the side of a cliff, just out of the reach of her sherpa, Kiko Garcia.
Odds: 7-2
Mr. Marbles: Mr. Marbles spent his off-season of disappointment sticking pins into a Phil Dawson voodoo doll and rediscovering his passion for Dawson’s Creek. Now that all of the tissues in Cleveland are gone, I have a feeling he’s ready to rumble.
Odds: 8-1
The 21th Precinct: It hasn’t been a good summer for cops, especially in the 20nd and 22st Precincts.
Odds: 30-1
The Beard of Zeus: I hear someone has a case of Poseidon’s Trident envy…
Odds: 10-1
West Division
Blossom Russo: Blossom Russo is known to be a huge fan of all Dennis Quaid movies.
Odds: 10-1
Boss Hardigan: Boss Hardigan is known to be a huge fan of all Randy Quaid movies.
Odds: 100-1
Dr. Oge: Dr. Oge is very particular about how he spends each day: Noon – 1 p.m., Dr. Oz; 1–2 p.m., Dr. Phil; 2 p.m.– nightfall, staring forlornly into the window of a real doctor’s office until he is escorted home.
Odds: 12-1
Rick Moranis: Here is a weatherman’s tip: don’t listen to anything Don Mattingly says.
Odds: 10,000-1
Ron Mexico: Growing up Ron Mexico wanted to be a singer, just like the tough sounding guy from the Real McCoy. Winning the division may be his last shot to fulfill his dreams.
Odds: 8-1
Teddy KGB: Even after all these years, Teddy KGB still talks about the time he caught a foul ball off the bat of Dan Cortez at the 1994 Rock N’ Jock softball game like it was yesterday.
Odds: 25-1
The Notorious A.B.T.: “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when The Notorious A.B.T. carried you.”
Odds: 50:1
Yaz: Watch
Odds: 15-1
Remember friends, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains. Go Chiefs.
Good luck,
Ryck
2014 Divisions
East Division
Art Schlichter
Babe
Don Mattingly
Gordon Bombay
Karl Farbman*
T-Ferg
The Big Hurt
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
North Division
Abe Froman
Bayonnaise*
Kenny Powers
Larisa Oleynik
OJ
Shecky
The People’s Champ
The Phoenix
South Division
Bud Fox
Chris B. Corey
Face
Kiko Garcia
Kimmy Gibbler*
Mr. Marbles
The 21th Precinct
The Beard of Zeus
West Division
Blossom Russo
Boss Hardigan
Dr. Oge
Rick Moranis
Ron Mexico
Teddy KGB*
The Notorious ABT
Yaz
*Defending division champion
2014 Divisional Draft Chat
The following is a transcript from the Divisional Draft, which took place on August 24:
The Executive Director: The order of the draft will go Kimmy, Teddy, Karl, then Bayonnaise. Then the reverse order in the next round. Kimmy you’re on the clock…
Kimmy Gibbler: 21th Precinct
The Executive Director: Wow – bold pick
The Executive Director: Teddy you’re up
Teddy KGB: The Notorious ABT
The Executive Director: Karl – your pick
Karl Farbman: I’ll take perennial cellar dweller The Big Hurt
Bayonnaise: the dynamic duo!
The Executive Director: Two picks for Bayonnaise
Bayonnaise: I’ll take the Phoenix
Bayonnaise: And Kenny Powers
The Executive Director: Karl you’re up next
Karl Farbman: I’ll take another duo – T-Ferg
The Executive Director: Teddy back to you
Teddy KGB: Rick Moranis
The Executive Director: Now onto Kimmy for two picks
Kimmy Gibbler: Face
Kimmy Gibbler: and….
Bayonnaise: the suspense…
Kimmy Gibbler: Chris B. Corey
The Executive Director: The return of Chris B Corey
Bayonnaise: best portrait all year on the website
The Executive Director: Teddy, you’re up
Teddy KGB: Boss Hardigan
The Executive Director: Karl’s pick
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Don Mattingly who lost his better half (OJ)
The Executive Director: Now onto Bayonnaise for two
Bayonnaise: I’ll take a risk on Abe Froman
The Executive Director: Expansion franchises going now…
The Executive Director: And your other pick?
Bayonnaise: and arguably the most outspoken franchise in league history…The People’s Champ
The Executive Director: True – back to Karl
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Waldo Geraldo Faldo
The Executive Director: Teddy you’re up
Teddy KGB: Yaz
The Executive Director: Most of the old timers are gone now – Kimmy for two
Kimmy Gibbler: The Beard of Zeus
Kimmy Gibbler: and…
Kimmy Gibbler: Mr. Marbles
The Executive Director: Excellent – back to Teddy
Teddy KGB: Dr. Oge
The Executive Director: Now to Karl
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Babe
The Executive Director: Bayonnaise you’re up for two
Bayonnaise: OJ
Bayonnaise: and Shecky
The Executive Director: Back to Karl
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Art Schlichter
The Executive Director: Teddy you’re up
The Executive Director: Here’s the franchises still out there – Kiko Garcia, Gordon Bombay, Larisa Oleynik, Blossom Russo, Ron Mexico, Bud Fox
Teddy KGB: Ron Mexico
Kimmy Gibbler: Bud Fox
The Executive Director: and….
Kimmy Gibbler: Kiko Garcia
The Executive Director: Final pick for Teddy
Teddy KGB: Blossom Russo
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Gordon Bombay
The Executive Director: And that leaves Bayonnaise with Larisa
The Executive Director: Thanks for joining
Bayonnaise: Here’s to football, gentlemen!
Kimmy Gibbler: cheers to that
The 2014 Rookie Class: Chris B. Corey
(Editor’s note: before each season, we like to meet our expansion franchises. This year, we have five rookies. Thanks to Karl Farbman for the background once again.)
This is not Chris B. Corey’s first rodeo. He is another franchise that has returned to the league after a brief absence. However, his sabbatical was not by choice; Chris was suspended indefinitely after the 2009 season because of conduct detrimental to the league. His record before this absence was actually quite good (and can be found here). In his final season, he commented that “Money ain’t a thang” and refused to place any bets the last few months of the season. This resulted in a rule change (two consecutive weeks of no bets means a forfeit for the rest of the year, which is known as “The Chris B. Corey Rule” in some circles). He is surely out for blood this season, but one wonders if his love of Prada and Louis Vuitton accessories will rattle his focus and outweigh his ability to handicap games.
