Total Wagers Through Week 8
The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – Eight weeks are in the books for the 2015 season. Overall, the FMFL has done quite well, with many successful wild card bets and solid $500 weeks. The majority of the franchises are in the positive, which is bucking the trend from the last two seasons.
Here’s a breakdown of how the league did as a whole each week:
Week 1: +$2,100
Week 2: +$0
Week 3: +$11,100
Week 4: +$100
Week 5: +$1,800
Week 6: -$1,800
Week 7: -$3,300
Week 8: -$2,300
That’s a cumulative total of $7,700. The pessimist in me says that can’t last forever…
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Bud Fox
Current Total: $700
Winning Percentage: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Bud leads the East at the halfway point, relying on his classic theory of betting at least three games a week and hitting more than 50%. The race is still tight, but based on his history, he should be a contender down the stretch.
Grade: B+
Chris B. Corey
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.565
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Chris has been a pleasant surprise this season. After a ho-hum return to the league, he’s finally calling back to the days of yore when Chris B. Corey was a feared franchise in the FMFL.
Grade: B
Don Mattingly
Current Total: -$2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.250
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: I’ve always wondered how a franchise can end the season at -$4,000.
Grade: F
Karl Farbman
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.438
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: A rough start for Karl, who can’t seem to string together any wins. Unless he can gain some momentum over the next few weeks, he can kiss the 2015 season goodbye.
Grade: C
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: -$100
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Larisa has played it right down the middle so far this year. If not for a fine in Week 8, she’d be exactly even all the way around. She’s still within striking distance in the East Division race, but will need a wild card win to make a run.
Grade: C+
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.429
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Another year, another disappointing start for the Beard, who compounded his losses by missing his picks one week. He’s a long shot to make a postseason run.
Grade: D+
The Big Hurt
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Pittsburgh – Won
Recap: Thine Big Hurt jumped out to a lead in the East after an early wild card victory, but just as he did last season, started to fade. He’ll look to buck his reputation as a second half snoozer.
Grade: B+
The People’s Champ
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.474
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Champ won $500 in Week 1, but it’s been all downhill since then. He can’t be counted out…yet.
Grade: D+
North Division
Blossom Russo
Current Total: $0
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Down the middle solves the riddle for Blossom, who is 8-8-1 and even money through the first eight weeks. She is one franchise to keep an eye on for the second half.
Grade: B-
Dr. Oge
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.474
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Nothing great, but nothing terrible for the good Doctor in the first half of the season. If he pulls the wild card trigger soon, he could make things interesting in the North.
Grade: C+
Kenny Powers
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.469
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: It’s been up and down for Kenny, but after eight weeks he’s in the middle of the pack and needs to string together a few solid weeks if he wants to return to the postseason.
Grade: B-
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: -$300
Winning Percentage: 0.382
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Carolina – Won
Recap: Despite winning her wild card bet, Kimmy is in the negative after eight weeks. She’ll need a lot of luck, and for the other North franchises to falter, if she wants to get back into contention.
Grade: C
Rick Moranis
Current Total: $300
Winning Percentage: 0.542
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: In 2014, Rick had a great season, but nothing to show for it at the end of the year. Now he’s in position to challenge for the division, but when the heat’s turned up, will he be able to perform?
Grade: B
T-Ferg
Current Total: $1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.652
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: T-Ferg pulled away over the past few weeks and now enjoys a comfortable lead in the North. Should he go conservative to protect the lead? Or stay aggressive?
Grade: A-
The Phoenix
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.563
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Phoenix is right in the mix with nine weeks to go, to the surprise of many. After being the number one pick in the divisional draft, he is once again turning some heads.
Grade: B+
Yaz
Current Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.344
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Yaz only registered five correct wagers in the first half of the season. I smell a wild card bet coming this week….
Grade: D-
South Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Atlanta – Lost
Recap: Art was off to a decent start, but then lost $1,000 in Week 7 and $600 in Week 8 when he didn’t place his bets. Has he packed it in for the season?
Grade: D
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.711
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Color me impressed. Not only has Boss Hardigan been spectacular this season, he’s done it without using his wild card and could challenge for the single season record for winning percentage. The bad news: he’s only tied for the South Division lead.
Grade: A+
Face
Current Total: -$400
Winning Percentage: 0.469
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Face’s unorthodox theory of making all of his picks randomly this season hasn’t hurt him too much thus far. But it makes one wonder, is his franchise really man or just machine? Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Grade: C-
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.525
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: No surprise that Gordon is hanging around like he usually does. His division is packed at the top, but he’s just a wild card win from being right up there with them.
Grade: B+
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: $1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.625
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Carolina – Won
Recap: Kiko won his wild card bet in Week 3, but hasn’t been able to keep up with the leaders in the South. This is a battle-tested franchise, and he’s in solid position to make a playoff push.
Grade: A-
OJ
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: OJ hasn’t had an awful season, but he hasn’t showed me anything either. He could sneak into the playoffs, but it would take a big push for him to contend for the division.
Grade: C
The Notorious ABT
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.680
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The ABT is picking out of his mind right now. Between him and Boss Hardigan, it should be a great race in the South in the second half. Which franchise will blink first and bet his wild card?
Grade: A
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.620
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Jacksonville – Won
Recap: Waldo launched himself into the division race with a big Week 7. Now he has to hope the leaders trip up in the second half.
Grade: A-
West Division
Abe Froman
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.342
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Arizona – Won
Recap: There were signs of life for Abe in Week 7, as he won a nailbiter wild card bet. This doesn’t seem to be his year, but if he can reverse his fortunes completely, he could get out of the basement in the West.
Grade: D+
Babe
Current Total: $1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.638
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: For as many games as Babe has wagered on in the first half of the year, Babe’s winning percentage is very impressive. He has stiff competition ahead of him in the West, but has a great deal of experience he’ll rely upon as the season wears on.
Grade: A-
Bayonnaise
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Naise started the season off well, but dipped over the last month to just about even. He’ll look to get back to his winning ways, but the division is stacked this year and he has an uphill battle.
Grade: C+
Chalky Studebaker
Current Total: $1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.682
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: In his debut season, Chalky has performed well, save for one late bet fine. Shecky and Ron are out ahead in the West, but one week and the division could turn upside down.
Grade: A-
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: $1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.656
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Marbles is having one of his best seasons to date, but is also falling victim to how well the rest of the division is doing.
Grade: A-
Ron Mexico
Current Total: $1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.656
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Carolina – Won
Recap: Ron is right on Shecky’s heels for the West Division lead and will have to hold off the other franchises who have not yet used their wild card bets.
Grade: A
Shecky
Current Total: $1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.613
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Carolina – Won
Recap: Shecky got out to a big lead, but then went ultra conservative and has bet five games each week ever since. This has balanced out over the past few weeks and suddenly the West is slipping from his grasp….
Grade: A
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.525
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Precinct has a strong winning percentage, but hasn’t been able to capitalize. He could be another franchise that could benefit from a wild card bet in the next few weeks.
Grade: C-
Week 7 Recap: Winners and Losers
Winners
There was only one winner in the East Division last week: The Beard of Zeus. He won $100. That is all….While most of the North didn’t move in a positive direction in Week 7, Kenny Powers quietly won $500 and made up some ground….A huge week for The Notorious ABT, who was perfect and is now just $100 off of the lead in the South Division….Babe continues his solid winning percentage, winning 4-of-5 bets for the week and climbing up the standings in the West. Also of note, Abe Froman eked out a wild card win to get closer to even money.
Losers
The East Division -$500 roll call: Bud Fox, Chris B. Corey, Karl Farbman, Larisa Oleynik, and of course Don Mattingly. On the bright side, everyone in the division did poorly. It might be a long shot that the East sends more than one franchise to the playoffs this year….Kimmy Gibbler lost $500 and slipped back, but is still staying relevant….Face lost $500 and continued his dismal season, but his week wasn’t as bad as Art Schlichter, who lost his wild card bet and dropped $1,000 total in the standings….In the West, Bayonnaise lost $300 and lost some footing in the hotly contested divisional race.
Week 5 Recap: Winners and Losers
Winners
No huge positive movement in the East, so this week’s winner is Chris B. Corey, who closed his deficit on first place to just $100….Kimmy Gibbler jumped back in front in the North, and T-Ferg shot up the standings with a perfect week….Boss Hardigan regained sole possession of the lead in the South, while The Notorious ABT was nearly perfect and is in a close second….Mr. Marbles won $500 yet again and is inching towards Shecky in the West. Shecky had four wins and a push to maintain the overall lead on the rest of the league. Also of note in the West, Babe won $500 for the third straight week. He’s hit all three legs of a three-teamer three weeks in a row.
Losers
Dark days for Karl Farbman who lost $500 and slipped farther back in the East. Look at the bright side: you’re not Don Mattingly….Yaz has a lot of ground to make up in the North. Wild card bet time?….In the South, Art Schlichter tumbled down the ranks after losing $500, but he’s still very much in the mix….In a classic case of the apple definitely falling very far from the tree, Abe Froman lost $500 and is $2,800 back of his father, who leads the West and the entire FMFL.
Welcome to the 2015 Season from Gordon Bombay
(Editor’s note: The 2014 winner, Gordon Bombay, has graciously contributed some wisdom as we kick off the 2015 season. His message is below.)
All alone in an empty parking lot just outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Hello friends. I’d like to thank the Executive Director for giving me the opportunity to welcome the 2015 season with a few words.
[presses pause on Sony Discman w/ 8x anti-skip and Mega Bass technology]
As owner of one of the founding franchises, it is my pleasure to offer my thoughts on what should be another great season of Funny Money Football. In my eight years of experience in the league, I have seen and experienced all of the drama and excitement this league gives us for five months of the year.
[finishes untying rollerblades and changes into a pair of Reebok high-tops]
There have been dominant teams, commanding the competition for an entire season. There have been early season bottom feeders fighting to the top and into the playoffs. The proper timing of one’s Wild Card bet can make or break a franchise, especially in the final weeks of the season. Gone are the days of competing with only a few franchises, betting on Thursday night games, and relying on at least two other franchises to not submit picks and rack up the penalties. Funny Money Football has grown. The teams have matured and the competition is as fierce as ever.
[removes backwards hat and wafts hand through flowing auburn locks of hair]
As for my story leading up to finally winning last season, I have always been a product of hard work and determination. A model leader in any circumstance.
(was a former lawyer pulled over for DWI and court-ordered to coach failing Pee Wee hockey team)
As my friend and mentor Hans once told me, “Gordon, I taught ya how to skate, I taught ya how to score. I taught ya how to go for the W. Don’t let Iceland have their way with you. Give em’ the Triple Deke!” Hans ended up dying….BUT HIS WORDS LIVE ON!
[puts on COACH BOMBAY jacket with leather sleeves smelling like a bad combination of Old Spice, Right Guard and Heineken]
Through consistency and conservative thinking, I have fought each year to remain competitive. Ducks never die. Here we are, preparing for the ninth season of FMFL. The familiar faces of the 31 returning franchises welcome our expansion team, Chalky Studebaker. With the hot days of summer behind us and kickoff looming I would like to wish each and every one of you the best of luck. Here’s to another great season of Funny Money Football!
[raises fist. queue orchestral theme song]
[cut to slow motion shot of ducks flying in V formation over trees before fading to black]
Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: As is tradition, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Live from The Tangiers…oh let’s just get on with it:
East Division
Bud Fox: Bud “Thine Stud” Fox is back and ready to go for another year. Really, that’s all I’ve got.
Odds: 15-1
Chris B. Corey: Cory Booker. Cory Matthews. Maybe if “Chris B.” dropped the “e” from his name he would finally amount to something. (We still love you.)
Odds: 500-1
Don Mattingly: I mean, I want Donald Baseball to have a good season, but until this franchise finishes Lee Iacocca’s Leaders this whole thing is just an exercise in futility.
Odds: 100-1
Karl Farbman: There are two kinds of people that like the Arizona Cardinals: people from New Mexico and Karl Farbman.
Odds: 2-1
Larisa Oleynik: Larisa, I’ve got a great experiment for you to try this year: $300 Green Bay, $200 New England.
Odds: 10-1
The Beard of Zeus: At this point it’s just time to cut your losses on the beard and embrace the french fork.
Odds: 75-1
The Big Hurt: *Given the choice between playing as himself on Sports Talk Baseball or annihilating disgruntled barman Wayne in Streets of Rage II, nine times out of ten The Big Hurt chooses the latter.
Odds: 100-1
*Recycled bit from 2014. (Fast forward to 2:32 to view the Wayne fight, unless you wish to see repetitive defeating of Galsia, then by all means watch the whole thing!)
The People’s Champ: Anyone remember Champs Sports? Do they still exist? Weren’t they like a knock-off version of Foot Locker and always located next to an Auntie Anne’s?
Odds: 7-2
North Division
Blossom Russo: This season, enjoy half-priced Awesome Blossom Russos during Thursday Night Football at Chili’s!
Odds: 6-1
Dr. Oge: I’m not going to lie, before writing this preview I had to Google Dr. Oge, who according to Healthgrades.com seems to be a pleasant family physician from Nashville, TN.
Odds: 20-1
Kenny Powers: Pardon me if this seems a bit obtuse, but you do realize you picked a division with two former champs, right? But you also got The Phoenix and myself, so OK.
Odds: 3-1
Kimmy Gibbler: All Barry Gibb and Kimmy Gibbler wanted to do was make a nice, folksy duet record, and then Avicii just had to come along and remix the damn thing.
Odds: 5-1
Rick Moranis: I have used the offseason to work on my poetry:
I have odds of 10,000-1
Odds: 10,000-1
T-Ferg: So what is Burt Reynolds up to these days?
Odds: 40-1
The Phoenix: Bro…::sigh::…bro.
Odds: 5,000-1
Yaz: Yaz prepared this year during the offseason by dining at the Early Bird Special at 3:30 p.m. instead of the usual 4:30 p.m., followed by going to the grocery store at 6 a.m. and then doing other assorted old man things.
Odds: 15-1
South Division
Art Schlichter: Some men are modernists, others are devoted to the works of the classical masters. I, however, just prefer my art for Art Schlichter’s sake.
Odds: 25-1
Boss Hardigan: If the lady down at the Chinese restaurant takes down his order for “Boss Cardigan” one more time I think he might finally lose it.
Odds: 50-1
Face: Let’s face it, I don’t think any of us can face another year of this. Here all week folks, tip jar is on the bar.
Odds: 500-1
Gordon Bombay: Another year, another victory for Gordon Bombay. Yawn. Wake me up next year when it’s time to CTRL+C this again.
Odds: 3-2
Kiko Garcia: You may find this hard to believe (I sure did), but Garcia preferred LaChoy over Kikkoman in a blind taste test.
Odds: 4-1
OJ: In times like these we must all ask ourselves, “Is this truly it?!?”
Odds: 12-1
The Notorious ABT: As science continues to progress, Zen philosophers, such as Basho, are becoming less and less reliable.
Odds: 1,000-1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Soon to be known as Waldo Geraldo Faldo, Ph.D., he will soon be defending his dissertation on Reeshard Dawson’s performance in Running Man. Harvard just cannot wait any longer!
Odds: 25-1
West Division
Abe Froman: Abe Fro-yoman just feels it this year, with sprinkles and a cherry on top.
Odds: 50-1
Babe: GyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOX…dragon boating…GyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOX…make bets on Saturday …GyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOX
Odds: 40-1
Bayonnaise: The secret to the secret sauce has always been less mustard, more Bayonnaise!
Odds: 8-1
Chalky Studebaker: Studebaker (1852–1967 /ˈstʲuːdəbeɪkə/ STEW-də-bay-kər) was an American wagon and automobile manufacturer based in South Bend, Indiana. Founded in 1852 and incorporated in 1868[1] under the name of the Studebaker Brothers Manufacturing Company, the company was originally a producer of wagons for farmers, miners, and the military.
Odds: 500-1
Mr. Marbles: May I have ten thousand Mr. Marbles please?
Odds: 10-1
Ron Mexico: The new extra point rule just makes Ron Méjico wanna scream GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
Odds: 5-2
Shecky: The name Shecky reminds me of that great aunt you have but never really met, and you hear that she is nice and enjoys square dancing and sometimes plays bridge on Tuesdays.
Odds: 100-1
The 21th Precinct: I drank too much for my 21th birthday, so this year for my 22th I’d just like to have a low-key fondue dinner with friends and maybe a “nice” glass of wine.
Odds: 75-1
2015 Divisions
East Division
Bud Fox
Chris B. Corey
Don Mattingly
Karl Farbman*
Larisa Oleynik
The Beard of Zeus
The Big Hurt
The People’s Champ
North Division
Blossom Russo
Dr. Oge
Kenny Powers*
Kimmy Gibbler
Rick Moranis
T-Ferg
The Phoenix
Yaz
South Division
Art Schlichter
Boss Hardigan
Face
Gordon Bombay
Kiko Garcia*
OJ
The Notorious ABT
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
West Division
Abe Froman
Babe
Bayonnaise
Chalky Studebaker
Mr. Marbles
Ron Mexico*
Shecky
The 21th Precinct
*Defending champion
2015 Divisional Draft Chat
The following is a transcript from the 2015 Divisional Draft, which took place on August 23.
The Executive Director: Welcome all to the 2015 Divisional Draft
Kenny Powers: good to be here boys
Ron Mexico: Who are the new franchises?
Ron Mexico: just one correct?
The Executive Director: Just one – Chalky Studebaker
The Executive Director: And Teddy KGB is out
The Executive Director: This is a standard snake draft with the order Kenny Powers, Ron Mexico, Karl Farbman, then Kiko Garcia. Then the reverse in the next round. We’ll go until all 28 teams are picked
The Executive Director: Kenny Powers – fire when ready with the first pick
Kenny Powers: The Phoenix
The Executive Director: Ron you’re up
Ron Mexico: Shecky
The Executive Director: Karl’s turn
Karl Farbman: The Big Hurt
The Executive Director: Kiko for two picks
Kiko Garcia: Notorious ABT and Face
The Executive Director: Great – back to Karl
Karl Farbman: Chris B Corey
The Executive Director: Ron you’re up
Ron Mexico: Chalky
The Executive Director: Now to Kenny for two
Kenny Powers: T-Ferg, and the doctor of love
The Executive Director: Love Doctor is no longer in the league
The Executive Director: You still have one pick
Kenny Powers: Rick Moranis
The Executive Director: Great – Ron you’re up
Ron Mexico: Abe Froman
The Executive Director: Got it – Karl you’re up
Karl Farbman: Don Mattingly
The Executive Director: Now to Kiko for two
Kiko Garcia: Boss Hardigan and art Art Schlichter – legendary gambler
The Executive Director: Sounds good – back to Karl
Karl Farbman: The People’s Champ
The Executive Director: Now to Ron
Ron Mexico: The 21th Precinct
The Executive Director: Great – now to Kenny for two picks
Kenny Powers: Thunder Lips and Dr. Oge if they are still in
The Executive Director: Kenny….
The Executive Director: Thunder Lips is not
The Executive Director: Dr. Oge is
The Executive Director: You still have one pick
Kenny Powers: How’s about Brian Piccolo
The Executive Director: Nope
Kenny Powers: damn got a bum list here. Mr. Deblasis
The Executive Director: He’s not in either
Kiko Garcia: Haha. Gone
Ron Mexico: ha
The Executive Director: Let’s keep trying….
Kiko Garcia: Someone has been drinking
Kenny Powers: Blossom I know he’s there
The Executive Director: Yes he is
The Executive Director: Now to Ron
Ron Mexico: Babe
The Executive Director: Karl you’re up
Karl Farbman: The Beard of Zeus
The Executive Director: Now to Kiko for two
Kiko Garcia: OJ and Waldo
The Executive Director: Back to Karl
Karl Farbman: Larisa Oleynik
The Executive Director: Ron you’re up
Ron Mexico: Mr. Marbles
The Executive Director: Kenny for two picks – here’s who is left – Bayonnaise, Gordon Bombay, Yaz, Bud Fox, and Kimmy Gibbler
Kenny Powers: Thanks godfather. Yaz and Kimmy
The Executive Director: Alright on to Ron
Ron Mexico: Bayonnaise
The Executive Director: Karl’s up
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Bud Fox
The Executive Director: And that leaves Kiko with Gordon Bombay
The Executive Director: That’s it – any final words anyone?
Karl Farbman: Kenny Powers sux
Ron Mexico: Good Night
Welcome to the 2015 FMFL Season
Welcome to the 9th season of the Funny Money Football League!
