09.03.2008

Week 1 Power Rankings

by The Executive Director

Funny Money Football – Week 1 Power Rankings

(Last year’s regular season total; divisional finish; playoff finish)

1. The People’s Champ ($1,400; 2nd in West – Wild Card Team; Won Playoffs)

After an all-around successful campaign in 2007, The People’s Champ is back looking for more this year. He will have a tough road back to the top, as all of the franchises in his division (South), are returning members of the Funny Money.

2. Chris B. Corey ($2,400; 1st in North; 5th in Playoffs)

The recently retired Chris B. Corey no longer has to worry about petty things like work emails and conference calls. This year, he can concentrate on the only two things that matter: chicken wings and Funny Money Football.

3. Gordon Bombay ($2,400; 1st in West; 4th in Playoffs)

Bombay dominated for almost all of the regular season, but then stumbled down the stretch, hung on to win his division title, and then fell off the map in the playoffs. Which Bombay will show up in ’08? The genius of weeks 1-13 last year or the one that faltered towards the end of the season?

4. Mr. DeBlasis ($0; 4th in West; Missed Playoffs)

An unsung hero of the 2007 season, Mr. DeBlasis was surging late in the season. If not for a lackluster first half, he would have certainly been a contender. Also, the mass media has declared him as the “sexy” upset pick of the year in the FMFL.

5. The Phoenix (Expansion Season)

The Phoenix was the only member of the FMFL who protested mandatory steroid testing during training camp, claiming the only thing he is on is, “Whey protein.” Will he have the brains to match the brawn? If not, let’s hope he doesn’t physically manhandle the Executive Director a la Turkey Bowl 2003.

6. Karl Farbman ($1,100; 3rd in West; Missed Playoffs)

Though he is known outside of the Funny Money Football realm for his boyish charm and chiseled abs, Karl Farbman was a psychological train-wreck last season, finishing the year just $100 out of the playoffs, and making foolish wagers the last three weeks of the season with everything on the line. Yet with his experience, the outlook for him in 2008 is positive.

7. Boss Hardigan (Expansion Season)

As Boss Hardigan tells it, he was the puppet-master behind Bayonnaise last season, assisting him with many of his bets. Other sources say this is blatantly false. Now he has the chance to show the ‘Naise once and for all who the greater prognosticator is.

8. Thunder Lips (Expansion Season)

Thunder Lips has the daunting task of sharing an apartment with two other expansion franchises (Brian Piccolo and Waldo Geraldo Faldo). He’s hoping that the close quarters fosters healthy competition with him outsmarting the rest of his division (Johns Hopkins-style).

9. Teddy KGB ($1,200; 2nd in North – Wild Card Team; 3rd in Playoffs)

Teddy KGB made his money back last season, but was on the brink of a high finish in the playoffs and couldn’t close. He might have a little more knowledge this season – since becoming a father, rumor he has it he has logged countless hours of breaking down NFL film while pacing late at night.

10. Blossom Russo ($2,700; 1st in East – 1st Overall; 2nd in Playoffs)

The regular season champ fell just short in the playoffs and is the only returning franchise in his division. He’s hoping those new glasses will not only keep him from squinting, but help him see his way through to a second straight trip to the postseason.

11. Kimmy Gibbler (-$2,400; 3rd in East; Missed Playoffs)

The rise and fall of Gibbler last year was much like that of “Greek God” John Stamos’ rise to the top during the Full House era, followed by his plummet to the bottom during his post-Uncle Jesse career. Kimmy is hoping for a resurgence this season.

12. The Beard of Zeus (Expansion Season)

Will the gods be smiling on the Beard of Zeus and his mythical strength? Some say yes, others say no, but most are just saying: “Prove it.”

13. Bayonnaise (-$1,200; 4th in North; Missed Playoffs)

Spreading himself just a little too thin last year, Bayonnaise showed signs of greatness (winning $500 three consecutive weeks at one point) but also signs of weakness (losing $500 three consecutive weeks). Ultimately, tardy bets cost him as too many fines put him in a hole he couldn’t get out of.

14. Brian Piccolo (Expansion Season)

Until Piccolo starts drinking before noon on Sundays (and stops requesting a giant mug of coffee instead of a Budweiser), experts say he’ll have a tough time staying relevant in the Funny Money.

15. Mr. Marbles ($1,000; 3rd in North; Missed Playoffs)

After just missing the playoffs last year, Mr. Marbles has a lot more to overcome this go-around if he wants to get to the postseason – mainly, it’s the horrid stench of Chris B. Corey that’s standing in his way.

16. Babe (Expansion Season)

Babe comes into the season committed to excellence. He has already declared that his in-season diet will only consist of Diet Sprite and late night take-out. Most critics assume this will spell doom for Babe and all those around him.

17. Bummy (Expansion Season)

Known in some fantasy leagues as the Silent Assassin, Bummy’s toxic mix of football knowledge, Gatorade, and cigarettes make him some experts’ sleeper pick this season. Getting his bets in on time might be a factor in his success.

18. Waldo Geraldo Faldo (Expansion Season)

The key to W.G.F.’s Funny Money season could be motivation. Will he bring his “A” game each and every Sunday? Or will he lie on the couch for hours on end with his laptop on his belly eating stale Cheetos? Only time will tell.

19. The 21th Precinct (Expansion Season)

The eldest member of the FMFL, the 21th Precinct’s only advantage this season is that he was watching football before the forward pass was invented.

20. Rick Moranis (-$3,200; 4th in East; Missed Playoffs)

Possibly the returning franchise with the most to prove, Moranis began last season with five straight weeks of incorrect picks. Will he right the ship this year? Or dig himself deeper?

Filed Under 2008 Power Rankings | 1,630 Comments

09.03.2008