Rick Moranis Postseason Vegas Odds
(Editor’s note: Every once in a while, Rick Moranis provides his prognostications and handicaps the FMFL field. Take it away, Rick.)
Pink, one of the great leisure poets of our time, has declared that we better get this party started. I refuse to stand in her way. Gentlemen, the odds:
Boss Hardigan: Every winter when it snows in Baltimore, this placed called Elite Driving School is the first business to post a closure notice on the local news. I shared this because, knowing Boss Hardigan like I think I do, it is information that he will truly appreciate.
Odds: 20 to 1
Dr. Oge: Dr. Oge sounds like the name of one of those old USA Up All Night movies that walked the fine line between direct to cable slasher film and softcore pornography. That aside, he’s had a really nice season.
Odds: 15 to 1
Gordon Bombay: If Bombay wins the Funny Money Football league title again, I’m finally going to buy OJ that vinyl copy of Gord’s Gold that he’s been coveting all these years. It will be a win-win-win for the three of us.
Odds: 5 to 2
Kenny Powers: What’s the frequency, Kenneth Powers?
Odds: 7 to 1
Mr. Marbles: During his salad days as a young bachelor on the banks of the Cuyahoga River, Mr. Marbles used to hang out with members of the Cleveland Indians, bonding over Playstation and games of pinochle. Reports indicate that he’s now married and boring, but has become quite adept at betting the spreads of professional football games.
Odds: 8 to 1
OJ: I can’t help but admire a man who works for himself in the comfort of his own home, yet still dresses in khakis every morning. There’s a lot to like here.
Odds: 3 to 1
Patrick Bateman: If it were not for the almost surgical precision of Thine (with almost, of course, not being good enough), the toast of the league would have been fellow rookie Patrick Bateman. Patrick gets his due recognition here, but I simply don’t know what his playoff future holds. In this most obtuse of seasons, when down is up, the enlightened go sideways.
Odds: 10 to 1
T-Ferg: Consistency over the past couple seasons has been defined by the Messrs. T-Ferg. Both are now managers at a proud financial institution, and I’m convinced that the timing of their successful run and their overt orders to underlings to use working hours to crunch road team defense data is purely coincidence. It’s 2017, and you cannot persuade me otherwise.
Odds: 7 to 2
The Big Hurt: The Big Hurt, known in Germany as Die großen Verletzen (Hurt the Large), is pretty much the Hasselhoff of the FMFL: great pedigree, square jaw, division champ, looks great running on sand. Yes, some guys have it all, until they don’t. Sorry, my man.
Odds: 50 to 1
Thine: Who is Thine anyways? It is the question that has been on the minds of most FMFL franchises. His debut season of picking favorites was nearly as impressive as Cliff Clavin’s run on Jeopardy! The playoffs are different beast, but then again, have the playoffs have ever been in Thine’s magnificent kitchen?
Odds: 6 to 1
